tight fit

I had a couple of amazing topics to write about, but then a whole day happens, and I come home and a whole week happens in the matter of 3 hours, and I pass out with the kids and can't remember one thing I was going to say or do.

I have some packing to do - but most of it will have to be just before we go - electronics, toiletries, and food/snacks for our 24+ hours of travel.

We are kind of excited.

I tried on some jeans to bring.  They were just washed, but I've been starting to think my pants have been feeling snug once again.  I have always been thin - but I've been steadily gaining weight over the past 10 years, only losing my fitness and flexibility.  Especially being pregnant the second time, I kind of just started eating.  A lot.  And figured I'd work out and get fit once the kids were born and healthy.

But I'm not healthy.  I was remembering my back injury today.  I have "thrown it out" several times over the past five years, but last year was so bad I couldn't eat (and I lost weight), I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even go the bathroom.  I couldn't take pain relievers, and in the end when I went to the hospital for an MRI, the technicians saw the scan and asked if I had been in a car accident.

"Nope, just picking up my daughter from a bad position."

But it's my muscle atrophy and my loss of flexibility too that has made daily activities so difficult and sometimes even dangerous.  I hated when I was younger and saw that mom's weren't brave, but now I understand.  We can't risk getting hurt - the household needs us too much.

So, back to my pants.  I had planned not to pack much - I would borrow my mom's or sister's clothes. I emailed them to be sure it was okay, and my sister emailed that her tops were small and medium and her pants size were 4-6.  I couldn't help feeling a bit needled by it.

For many years, I was thinner than her.  I didn't really think much about it - but I would often catch my sister checking my pant size or eyeballing my figure, my shirt or sweater.  I wasn't just thinner, I was smaller busted as well - there were some years she was a bit heavy, but we also had very different shapes - she had a short torso, I had a long, she has the appearance of long legs and a heart-shaped rearend, I have average length legs and abnormally shaped thighs from fat and falling down too hard on my hips leaving traumatic fat swirls.

Yeah, it's a thing, I looked it up in one of my recent thought spirals of "how can I get in shape or at least get rid of this grossness?"

I never cared about this stuff before.  Maybe because I wasn't ever this big, but it sure bothers me these days.

Especially when I stepped on the scale and saw my weight tonight.  Ugh.  That's it - no more eating bread and chocolate . . . starting after America...