The One and Only Ivan - review

This was the 2013 Newberry Award winner, and I wasn't impressed in the beginning.  I was a bit bored even.  

Okay, I'll give its interesting point-of-view (from the perspective of a silverback gorilla), and simple life observations - but it was the same feeling you get when you walk into a small town gas station with cheesy music playing in the background and the cashier popping her gum out of boredom.  

Ivan was taken captive at a young age, and his twin sister died in transport - he has little recollection the event until later in the story - because he has a very limited memory.  His caretaker raised him in his home, and then put him on display in the Big Top Mall along with an old circus elephant, a dog, and a parrot.  The janitor's daughter visits him at night and draws pictures - eventually passing on crayons to him.  Sometimes he eats them, sometimes he draws.  His drawings are basic things in his life.  Usually a banana.

Boring.

But then the owner of the Big Top Mall brings in a baby elephant, and shortly after the older elephant dies from an infection.  Ivan promises his elephant friend that he will take care of the young elephant so that she will not be raised in a cage.  From this points, Ivan's desires change - after 24 years on display, he is pushed to dream of something new and better for himself and his young friend.  

And the story became a sweet one where he communicates his desires through drawing, and to his young human friend, and eventually the news and media get involved about the inhumane treatment of the animals at the Big Top Mall.  It wasn't a strong story, but fun and interesting - and I learned at the end - inspired by real events involving a silverback gorilla on display at a mall and eventually transferred and acclimated to a zoo.

Out on the town

On the way home the other day, Tolga and I stopped at a bakery to order a cake for Teoman's birthday.  I usually make a cake because because they are kids - and chocolate is chocolate.  Not to mention that no one in our house right now should be eating cake... but with the baby coming, I probably won't have time, so we we checked out the store.  In classic Turkish style - they asked us what we wanted, we looked at pictures on Google, and the chef stood by saying which ones he could or could not make.  We didn't come in with any ideas and so it was hard to weed through the internet. We started with a car theme, then moved to monster trucks, and then finally settled on a Batman themed cake.  When we got home, we told Teoman we got him a surprise special cake for his birthday.  He said,
"Is it a batman cake?"

Walking down Tunali

It's been a long time since we walked on Tunali.  Tunali is a busy street, one way traffic, with lots of unique shops in relatively nice part of town.  We parked the car and headed to one of my friend's shops.  She was teaching with me last year - and on the tail end of a very bad year, decided to take a break from teaching.  Her husband owns a shop, and she opened a second one nearby selling collector toys.  Teoman was impressed with the batman toys, but could not understand the idea or a collector item - and we were falling in our explanations.  It's one thing to translate from English to Turkish or vice-versa.  It's another to explain an idea to an almost four year old.  In the end, I told him "these are toys for big people who don't know how to play with toys."  Overall, Teoman wasn't impressed because they didn't sell Batman masks - his new obsession.

We sat, had tea in her shop, chatted, and headed out with small purchases and gifts.  On the way out we passed another colleague of mine with her family who had the same things in mind visiting old friends during winter break.  She spotted my kids before me.

Eating "truffles" at Lungo Espresso Bar

From this shop it was an easy walk to another friend's shop.  The next shop was someone Tolga used to work with back in his Rio Tinto days - a woman I knew as well - who had opened a tiny espresso bar.  We sat in her shop, drank tea, and I bought sweets for the kids.  Truffles actually.  But "truffles" were written in quotation marks - so I'm not exactly sure what that was supposed to mean.  Tomris said, "Thanks mom," and gave me hug when I gave her the "truffle."

(She can be weirdly grown sometimes.  And patronizing.)

Another of Tolga's old friends joined us - and we ordered some food as well then made our way slowly back.

Tolga and I both commented how we hadn't done something like this for a long while - sought out friends and hung out with different people with our kids.  It wasn't easy, but it was fun.

38.4 Weeks

When Tolga and I got married - I had this feeling as well: wanting to slow time down.  I may be the only person in the world the walked so ridiculously slow dow the aisle (video to prove it) on her wedding day because I didn't want that moment to end.  

Of course I'm tired.  I and awake every hour or two because of heartburn, kicking, uncomfortable on one side...and then the other, having to go pee, the kids waking up and coming in - and kicking me too.  I have more and more moments throughout the day where its really hard to get out of a chair.  And then walking after I've been sitting in that chair is more of a waddle trying to ignore the weight baring down on my bones.  But hey - this shouldn't be easy.  I mean this is a BIG DEAL.  

She's coming...

So I'm torn too - excited for the moment, and afraid for it, and sad that it will all be over too fast.  These are life's big events - events I am trying to appreciate each moment.  So many other times in my life I wanted to fast forward to the end, but not here - when Teoman and Tomris were born Tolga and I kept saying to each other:

"Look, he's ten minutes old"

"She's been on this Earth for three hours".  24 hours.  5 days.  1 month.  2 1/2 years.  

We went to the doctor today for a check-up - everything looks fine.  She took another ultrasound - which I added to the fridge (I have about 30 ultrasound pictures on our fridge to which Tomris keeps pointing out and saying: "That's my baby sister!").  The doctor guesses she is about 3.4 kilos now - she may be our biggest yet.  And she monitored the heart as well.  The baby gave quite a kick in response to the cold gel - and we sat together for about ten or fifteen minutes listening to her heart rate rise and fall.  

She's coming...

Listening to the baby's heart (and yes, the nurse hooked up wrong, they fixed it later)

Relatives

I can't really compare Turkish families to American, or even to each other - because as family life goes.  Everybody's different.  Some assume our in-laws live with us because that's what they do in Turkey - but I'm not so sure this is true.  I don't know anyone who's family lives with them.  I do know a few who's family live in the same building though.  Some people say Turks have kids so their kids will take care of them - but I've seen both extremes here - kids taking care of their parents, and parents opting to put themselves in a home before having to interrupt their kids' lives.  

So the only family I can talk about, and compare, are my own families.  I don't have the whole story yet because its filled with drama (and kind of confusing to me).  But the main character here is the woman to Baba's right.  This is his younger sister.  Baba comes from a family of eight, and I think most have passed away, and I don't think any of them were kind or generous or selfless - all traits of Baba and even more so in Tolga.  Even so, Baba is a loving soul, and while he'll complain about his sister - he is always happy to see her.  As soon as they called to announce they were coming today - he made Anne find him some house slippers that covered his missing toes.

The Rellies

The woman to Baba's left is his niece - it was my first time meeting her.  And the woman with her arm around Anne is a cousin or something - a woman who reminds me of any one of my warm and smiley aunts in the way she always enthusiastically hugs and kisses me and jumps in the kitchen to help herself or to even serve our guests as if it were her home.  She has about seven kids, a husband with a second wife and set of children in another city, and four teeth.  

Zuleyha had spent the day making börek, cake, as well as lunch for us ... so there was little I had to do.  She served the tea - this is traditionally "the brides" job.  Something I don't mind, and I know my mother-in-law takes pride in me fulfilling this role.  And while my aunt my expect these formal routines of me kissing her hand and serving the tea - our cousin dismisses it with the kind of practical sense I can relate to: I'm pregnant, I'm a foreigner, and there's enough able bodies in the house to do it just as well.  My cousin wouldn't even let me kiss her hand.  She just grabbed my cheeks and probably would have planted a big smooch on my lips if I hadn't turned my head in the last second.

At the cinema

Ice cream in the food court

Scootering around at the mall

We don't watch a lot of TV or movies.  It's our stage in life, and I'm okay with that.  If we do get that chance, I'm perfectly happy watching movies at home.  Controlled environments: cheap beverages and snacks,  pause, fast forward, volume control, bathroom breaks, kid interruptions - all to suit our needs.

My American friend invited us to the movies today.  I had to think a long time before I came up with the last time I went to the movies: 2011.  Same friend, girls night out.  It was great time and we laughed a lot.  Since then, prices have gone up.  I just closed my eyes and handed over my card, and later noticed my "discount" price was 63 TL (that's only $21 come to think of it - but 63 is 63 in lire - and lire is what I make, lire - and it kind of blew me away at the time).  

I had brought Teoman and his Babanne to watch "The Good Dinosaur" - I had watched the previews online and it seemed like a great Pixar film/animation - and in my excitement at the idea of taking them out, seeing a film, one last fling before the baby - I don't think I made a good judgement.  In fact, I've always been annoyed with parents that bring children to the theater for animated films.  The theater is dark, the sound is intense, and because of the nature of a "good" film - there's bad guys, scary events, and way too much drama for a kid.  I should have known better with Teoman as well - we watched How to Train Your Dragon 2 at home once and he cried when the father was killed.  Not because he necessarily understood that the father was killed - but because all the characters in the film had tears in their eyes - and he teared up right away asking "Why is everyone so sad?"

I should have stuck with my Paw Patrol and Bubble Guppies - no bad guys, no bad events - just learning programs: problems with solutions.

Teoman was ready to leave during the previews.  Then they stuck in an animated short film that was too scary for his age, and so by the time the movie started - every time there is even the slightest suspenseful moment (the egg hatching), he would shake or jump.  He was ready to leave, and cried - I  tried to keep him a little bit more, in hopes he could see it wasn't scary - but when the Baba got washed down the river - that was it, he was done.  "Where's the Baba?"

Um... swimming.  They'll find him later.

So we hung out in the lobby for a while and Teoman scootered happily around.  And pretty soon Mina joint us as well.  She may have stuck it out - but they are both almost four, and prefer each others company over movie - so we headed out and had some ice cream.

Should done that from the beginning.

opening lines

To get better into the habit of writing - I pulled out an old writing exercise book - skimmed the first chapter in my dimly lit room - and now I will do the first exercise.  Writers don't start stories literally in the beginning, more like the middle.  The book gave me about a hundred of examples that I could never match.  So here are my ten  five "beginnings":

1. No matter what I say, my in-laws are under the firm belief that cold air causes instantaneous illness. So when I asked Gokhan how his interview went today, and he answered his throat was swollen from the cold air - I pictured him traveling on the bus and Metro in his thin jacket, no hat, no scarf, hands in pockets - and I just nodded.

2. Hakan could only get four days off, my husband told me.  So, he's going to Germany.  Then he'll come visit us.  Then he'll go to Arvin to sort out some family land ownership details that could result in all of making a lot of money.  And this is why its hard to believe anyone around here.

3. It wasn't just my ears that were ringing, my whole body was vibrating as if sound still filled the room.  But it was just me, 29 empty desks, and a mouse.

4. Sandra Gomez stared at the women across the table.  Is this my moment? She asked herself.  Should I make this my time?  But her thoughts were much braver than her words. Instead, she asked,
"Has there been any changes to the contract?"
"Everybody gets the same deal."
"Is there any incentive?"
"What do you mean?"
And there in lay the problem.  The head of human resources didn't know, or refused to acknowledge, the meaning of incentive.  They were the power, their contracts a "gift", and their workers diminished to head bowing servants, grateful for the scraps from the table.

5. Kari stopped the car on the private driveway, just able to look through the trees and get a glimpse of their old house.  It looked smaller.  The house, the yard, the hill out front, the roof she would climb  on to retrieve the basketball from behind the backboard, or just to sit and think.  It all looked a whole lot smaller.

Reflections: I still have a huge problem coming up with made-up names.  I tend to write stories based on real events - creative nonfiction.  I heard once its better to write in third person, but I can't remember why - something about it has to be a really good story to right in first.

ML - day 7

It's back to work Monday for most people ... actually, hardly anyone I know... Besides it being our winter holiday, our nanny and Tolga are the only ones that came/went to work today.

Teoman outside his preschool

I brought Teoman to his preschool this morning.  We had taken a few days off last week because of the snow, and today he wasn't so thrilled to go back.  He's often complaining about two boys that are always fighting.  I'm not sure what to do about this.  Do I make him push through it - learn to deal with "bad" kids?  Or, take him out?  Either way, it's not a decision I will make today because I know how quickly a three year olds mind can change, and I know sometimes things are made bigger than they are, for the sake of attention.  He has good friends their too.  So I'm hoping those good things outweigh the bad.  He dragged his feet a lot this morning, and we were "late" getting to school (meaning he got their after breakfast), but we were happy to find two snowmen outside the school doors.  I guess they didn't have "snow days" at the pre-school like the rest of Ankara.

I went to the gym afterwards to go swimming.  I enjoy swimming, I hate exercising - but I am feeling so good with swimming.  I float ... how can that NOT feel good?  I've always thought of myself as a good swimmer - until one day when I watched a good swimmer at a summer camp.  She was in her 50s and the camp director, and she was doing an early morning swim in the lake.  I had no one to compare her too, as she was swimming by herself, but appeared so graceful and quick cutting through the lakes black waters - I realize I definitely did not have her technique.  (I learned later that she had trained for the Olympics at one point in her life).

I, on the other hand, took swim lessons when I was 6 years old.  The place was in the woods somewhere and it was called Christian Brothers something-or-other.  I'm not sure what inspired my parents to give us swim lessons - especially knowing money always seemed to be tight when we were young.  Maybe it was considered a necessity in the "Land of 10,000 Lakes".  But I remember it, and I am grateful for it.  Minnesota summers can be quite hot - but our lessons were early in the morning,  in the shade of a forest, and my lips were always purple in the pool.  I clearly remember the thrill of swimming in "deep" water for the first time, as well as jumping off the diving board and dog paddling to the side.  As I got older, I remember the swim tests to pass the different levels - learning to tread water and the different swim strokes.  To this day I can tread water effortlessly and endlessly - something I kind of thought everyone could do until watching my brother-in-law and husband struggle after a few minutes in deeper water.

Snacks after her nap, still taking care of baby

When I finished swimming I had big circles around my eyes from my goggles that added years to my face.  But I felt good.  I went home - Tomris was happily playing with her Babanne, and she paused to follow me around and help me "organize" the baby clothes.  That's what she even told me:
"I'm gonna help you organize the baby clothes."

It's really amazing the words and phrases she picks up from me.  I left the house again a little bit later to pick Teoman up from pre-school.  Zuleyha, the nanny, didn't want me to go, and didn't want me to go alone - but I was stubborn about it.  She said it was to slippery and I might fall - but I said I should be okay, and left anyway.  It was slippery at parts - but I'm finding that I enjoy walking less and less these days.  I am just too heavy.  I think I'll send Gokhan to pick up Teoman tomorrow.

One Crazy Summer - review

It's maternity leave - day 6.  The morning started where even standing felt like too much pressure on my pelvic bone, but the day changes, and it ended with me making cookies and lasagna.

I also finished a book.  I am borrowing from my county library back in Minnesota where my membership allows me to "check out" and read e-books.

My favorite genre is adolescent literature.  It fits that I became a middle school teacher as well - but I love the perspective (and the skill of a writer to give this sometimes limited and sometimes insightful perspective).  I have a list of favorites that I may list another time, but then again - I would want to read them again to tell why I loved them so much, and especially how they moved me so.

I tend to stick to award winning books, or, when I find an author of an award winning book I like - I go from there.  The habit started when I was teaching in New York.  Our classroom libraries were supplied with only award winning books in order to insure quality reading material - and so I too was exposed to a lot of great books: Maniac Magee, Bud not Buddy, Out of the Dust, The Giver (and its companion books - cried my eyes out on the third one).  They are great stories that also deal with serious and often heartbreaking issues.

One Crazy Summer was written by Rita Williams- Garcia and was a National Book Award Finalist.  It's main character is an eleven-year-old girl named Delphine.  She lives in Brooklyn with her father, grandmother ("Big Ma") and two younger sisters whom she takes much responsibility for.  Their mother left the family when Delphine was young, and the story is about the summer they go to visit and get-to-know their mother.  Their mother was not a likable character - not even a mother, but a seemingly selfish being with a tortured artist's personality - a point made sadder by the fact that the eleven-year-old sees this and naturally assumes the role of caretaker for her family.

I liked the historical setting and contrasts in the the book.  They started in Brooklyn and flew to Oakland to see their mom.  It must have been in the 60s and the girls end up going to a summer camp run by the Black Panthers.  I really liked how the different issues of race were lightly touched upon: Big Ma admonishing the kids not to make a "colored spectacle of themselves" - trying to teach the children pride in self while negotiating the images they gave and were pressed upon them in the times.  In Oakland, the girls were learning Black Pride and joining rallies, all to the backdrop of the girls trying to get to know this mother who never seemed to want them around.  And it was strange to even read about Delphine's prejudices learned from television and news about the Black Panthers, where some things were true, some things were worse, but most things: the everyday support of the community could only have been learned from experience.

I would recommend the book because it was different - I mean, what children's book has ever touched upon the topic of the Black Panthers?

ML - day 5

Saturdays.  Everyone's home.  This is winter.

We did some shopping with the kids - I needed a few things for the baby, but I think I was more motivated with the idea of finding donuts.  Teoman and Tomris love going to the mall too.  Tomris has started skipping these days and saying things like "hooray!"  Teoman will look out for her - on the escalators, sliding doors, and his good for his wheels to chase after his sister when she takes off.  

They both bring up the baby a lot.  They kiss my belly.  Tomris talks about the baby drinking my milk.  (I think she still misses it).  Teoman says he won't hit the baby.  Tomris says she will hold the baby.  And all day today they were carrying around the baby - Tomris was rocking the baby to sleep, Teoman was playing anne and abi with her, and they were taking turns carrying the baby on their shoulder.

I took the opportunity to show them how you have to hold a baby's head ... and found them playing catch with the baby a little bit later.

"Look Mama!  I catch the baby!"

Thud.

Taking care of baby

ML - Day 4

  I always think I'm going to have the baby early.  This one I've felt for the last few weeks like the baby could come any day.  I still feel like it.  But I was induced with Teoman on his due date, and Tomris came just a couple days early, and neither are indicators of when this girl is coming.

So our nights usually end up with the kids in my bed at some point, and me in the recliner.  Tomris coming and finding me in the morning and telling me "It's time to wake up!" She'll snuggle with me for a bit, then we get up and have breakfast together.

I've been slowly pulling out baby clothes, washing them, and organizing what we need for the hospital and the baby's needs.  I am not ready - but I don't feel nervous - I'm still just doing a little bit each day, and enjoying it.

I took the kids to the park next to our house again today - The park is on a slope with lots of trees and stairs - not so ideal of sledding, but still fun.  Sledding isn't so popular here as is sliding on plastic bags.  The sleds they do sell are over a hundred lire and more like sleighs.  Last year, I had bought a snow tube in America - it packed easy, was $7, and has been great to have for the kids.  But today I was there without the nanny or Gokhan.  I had told the nanny not to come to our house today because of the weather, and Gokhan was running errands.  I regretted going on my own - I'm just not so strong anymore, and Tomris' legs don't last long in a snowsuit and boots.  She cried quite a bit about "falling down" and getting "stuck".   We weren't out long, and starting making our way up the stairs while Teoman and his endless energy climbed the hill.  Tomris didn't want to walk, but I refused to carry her - I couldn't so we battled our way up the stairs.

At the top I couldn't see Teoman and started calling for him.  I couldn't see him or hear him.  He's pretty good at responding when I call with "I'm here!" because we've had this conversation many times.  But it was that horrible feeling of silence, wind and cold all at once.  I called louder with a bit of panic, scanning the park but there were a lot of trees and bushes that could have been blocking my view.  I imagined he was probably laying in the snow somewhere and couldn't here me - but it didn't make me feel better, because I couldn't see him.  I let go of Tomris's hand to get a better view from a different angle and saw him at the top of the park, next the wall just before the sidewalk, waiting for us to go back home.  I was relieved and still a little panicked that he would go over the wall.  But I had no need to worry - Teoman is scared of cars too, and he was waiting, leaning against the wall, singing Angels we have Heard on High - his mouth in an O singing "Gl--oooo--ri---ah"

ML - Day 3

Maternity leave, day 3 - Today was the first big snow of the year.  They closed schools today, and by the end of the day - they closed schools for tomorrow as well.  Work has already finished for me, but for my colleagues, they were all celebrating with about a hundred WhatsApp texts.  The timing of the snow falls just before winter break - school was going to end with report cards on Friday and students and teachers would enter into their two week winter holiday - but everyone got it a bit early.  And everyone needed it.


We blew up the snow tube and went outside midday to do some sledding and snowball making.  The snow was sticky and wet,  as the temperature hovered just around freezing.  Tomris laughed and laughed going down the hills.  Teoman protected me from snow balls and "bad guys".  Tomris tired out pretty quickly in the snow, and needed to be carried up the hills.  Our nanny and their  amca were there to help with the haul.  Tolga came home early too, so while I was waiting for Teoman to go down "one last time" and finish making another snow angel (his energy seemed endless), Tolga joined us and we all went inside together for some lunch and hot cocoa.  We sent out nanny home early and gave her the day off tomorrow.

The blanket of snow is like these days, a blanket of peace.

Maternity leave - day 2

Starting preschool with hat head

It wasn't easy, but we finally made it out of the door.  Just Teoman and I walked to preschool today.

He told me he didn't want to go anymore because a couple of the boys are always fighting.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm home, or maybe he's not feeling well, but I'm pushing him to go anyhow - as to not make the decision in the moment.  And he seems happy once there anyhow.

I went to the gym after dropping him off and swam.  It may be awkward changing and putting on a swimsuit - but swimming really is perfect right now.  The pool is warm and all the pressure is off all my joints.  I swam back and forth, resting and swimming for 45 minutes.  I surprised myself as I usually don't have the much stamina, let alone interest for any kind of exercise.

I came home and Tomris greeted me at the door hugging me and pulling me right into the living room to witness her play set  up.  She seemed to be quite happy have all the toys and everybody's attention with her abi at school.  

Zuleyha (our nanny was cooking), and I made some coffee and sat with Tomris for a bit then began the process of dressing and getting out the door to pick up Teoman.  His preschool is about three blocks away.  Three long blocks.  It might as well be three miles with both kids so we usually bring the stroller too.  I had promised Teoman that I would let him play in the snow after school, so I dressed Tomris in snow pants, and pulled out Teoman's gear as well.  My mother-in-law was twittering around like a nervous bird, trying to be helpful and coral Gokhan out the door.  Speaking for him by offering his help.  Gokhan and I are almost the same age, and not matter how many times Tolga has spoken to his mother about this, she still treats Gokhan like a school aged boy, and Gokhan relies on her in the same way.  I agreed to him coming - Tolga had told me before I should bring Gokhan with me when I go out, and I figured he would enjoy playing in the snow with us.  Gokhan came out of his room in dress pants, a dress coat, and ready to put on his dress shoes.  

"Are you going to the park with us?"

"Are you going to the park?"

"Yes, for a little bit"

"Okay."

"Don't have gloves or a hat?"

"No I don't."

I was immediately annoyed.  Last year, he always complained about the cold and we bought him gloves, scarf and a hat ... I don't even remember.  This is the same person that complains of a stomach ache if the window is open.  His immune system is the equivalent of an old woman.  And now he was so willing to join us, but with nothing to take care of himself.  And I wasn't about to "dress" my third grown child.

Me: Don't come, we'll drive there.

Anne: He can put his hands in his pockets!

I kept walking.

Anne: But it will be hard for you.

Me: Yes.  Its is hard to do everything.

Zuleyha: I'm done cooking, do you want me to come.

Me: I love you.

Teoman's angel

My snow muffin

It was a cold today, but sunny.  I dropped Zuleyha off at the market to pick up somethings for us, picked up Teoman, and returned for Zuleyha.  We parked back in our complex - Zuleyha brought the food upstairs and Teoman to change - while Tomris and I waited downstairs making snow balls.  We all walked to the park together and the kids were so happy to play in the snow.  It was so sweet.

We came home and napped.  Zuleyha put the kids down.  Normally I'd let them pile in the bed with me, but Zuleyha had them on a routine and since we are trying to get them used to falling asleep in their own beds, I let her ... and took a nap, BY MYSELF, in my bed.  It was great.

We woke up, had a donut, and piled in the car to go to Teoman's best bud Mina.  It was a pretty good day again.

I love being at home.  This time together.

In the dog house

don't worry, it hasn't been used by any dogs yet...

37 weeks

In Turkey, a woman's maternity leave begins at 37 weeks.  I actually am not allowed to work beyond that point (hooray!).  It makes America look so barbaric with its maternity, or lack of, leaves.

So for my 37th week, day 0 I slept in.  Which means I got up at 7:45 instead of 6:00.  Tomris came and told me it was time to wake up.  It snowed today, and I had promised Teoman I would take him to school.  We were slow to get out the door because Tomris wanted to come, and her boots weren't quite right, her mittens were on wrong, they both wanted me to dress them ... I was sweating and frustrated before even getting out the door on this idyllic adventure.  The nanny came with to help.  Tomris refused to sit in the stroller because she wanted to walk through the snow.  That was fine with me, but our nanny kept telling her she would get sick from walking in the snow.  I didn't really get the logic of that one, but I didn't ask either.  The wind was cold and biting today, but it was dear to hold their little hands and clomp through the snow.  Our ten minute walk took about twenty, and then Teoman wanted me to then come into his school down to the breakfast table.  I did, and Tomris cried because she didn't want to be left behind.  (She had been crying about different things since we left the apartment.  The other teacher picked up Tomris and brought down with us.

Teoman sat at the table and instantly had a juice and börek placed in front of him.  Someone else gave Tomris börek as well to which she happily ate.  I knelt near Teoman, asking him about his friends and food then giving him a kiss and hug goodbye.  He wasn't to thrilled that I was leaving but seemed to accept it and gave us a final wave in response to Tomris's holler, "BYE ABI!"

We made our way home, had some tea and the. Tolga and I left for my doctors' appointment.  Tolga had taken the day off too.  We saw my doctor, had another ultrasound and listened to the heart rate.  A standard visit with my doctor is 300tl monthly check-up, which always includes an ultrasound, and today was an additional blood test for 150 to more.  We checked the price for the birth as well, and its up to 5000tl this year - cheaper if I tough it out without the epidural.

Blood test today

We usually have the kids with us, but it was fun today to be out again on our own - this is the third time out together in four days I think - and it is fun to relive these days pre-baby.  If I could free these moments in time I would: the anticipation of the baby coming doesn't make me impatient.  I think this time is the most beautiful.  Totally pregnant, the baby inside totally safe with everything she needs.  This life inside me, kicking and making me uncomfortable all the time is so precious and magical, and I won't get these moments back and so I'm relishing in it.

We went for Chinese food afterwards - we had been planning and delaying this for a few weeks, and it was even better to go with Tolga.  It was snowing big heavy flakes and we ordered all our favorite dishes.  We drove by my school, and I dropped of my medical report, said good bye to the different departments and administrators - feeling happier and freer by the minute.  I taped up a thank you note to the department with a scan of today's ultrasound, and I said a proper goodbye to most.

If the baby wasn't pressing so hard on my pelvic bones, I might have skipped out of there.

Found donuts! 

On the way home, Tolga and I were going to stop for coffee as a last treat, and spotted a donut shop.  You can't really find donuts in Turkey, and I had begun to crave them more and more.  Especially since I had seen this shop a few weeks ago and had thought it was closed down.  But on the contrary it was just opening.  I went in and ordered a dozen donuts for 45tl - all my favorites: glazed, sprinkles, chocolate with cream inside, chocolate with chocolate cream...

What a day.

adam and eve translated

There are a lot of things about the Bible I don't understand which makes for a lot of things I'm uncomfortable teaching my kids.  I will, because I want my children to have faith and hope, but I realize it means there are some things that I will have to sort out in my own my mind in preparation to answer their innocent questions.  

I just hope I don't totally twist the meaning.  (Isn't that what religion is always doing?)

My kids are getting more and more into books, and I've started to let them read my page books rather than just board books.  I pulled down the children's Bible yesterday that my Mom had got for them. I read them the simplified version on Adam and Even.

 Tomris was still looking at it today.  She had at the table and was carefully examining the pictures, asking  (and yelling) questions at me about the people, what they were doing, and why.

"Why is she scared?" or "Why are they hiding?" or "Why are they sad?" and so on.

Last night, after reading the story - I had gone through the same questions with them, after reading the story.  The conversation went something like this:

Why are they scared?

Because they were in a garden full of good trees and good fruit, but they wanted fruit from the only tree God said they couldn't eat from.

Why?

They were greedy?

Why?

Because they wanted more treats.  

More treats?

Yeah, you know how mama gives you a treat or a toy and sometimes you cry because you want two treats or more toys?  Well they wanted more treats too, and God said no - but they took it anyway.  They were naughty and so they had to leave the pretty garden.  That's why they are sad.  

So tonight, Tomris, examining the pages and the trees and she asked me,

"They wanted more treats?"

Yes.  I've reduced The Original Sin to children wanting more treats.

honey

I never thought much about honey.  We have all been careless about food until we have a nephew who's allergic to dairy products, or learn about a new harmful pesticide, hormone, genetic modifiers , etc. etc. etc.   Then we experiment with organic, and raw foods, and paleo diets, and gluten free, and less sugar and so on and so on.

But honey?  How could you mess up honey?

Well, there's this whole world of bees I didn't not know, and I'm not going to take the time to research - rather I will just pass on the stories I've been told.  

Tolga says the American honey is so cheap probably because they feed the bees sugar.  Not just sugar, high fructose corn syrup.  

The honey here is supposedly much more naturally harvested - and the from chunky honey bits, to honeycomb, and even pollen - its all sold for hefty prices depending on the quality and how the bees were fed.

Baba used to raise bees too.  Where the bees feed becomes crucial to their honey product.  And in the mountains there are some dangerous flowers that in turn make some dangerous honey.  Baba likes to tell the story about eating a spoonful of honey from  some bees and passing out for a full day.  It's hard to believe a story like that, but Tolga brought another honey with such a quality.  One spoon was healthy for you.  Two spoons would put you in the hospital.   That honey is currently sitting on some top shelf in our Kusadasi home, probably to be forgotten about until someone decide to take it down and unwittingly test it out...

Our honey of choice, and cure-all, has been chestnut honey.  It seems for about $50 for 2 pounds.  That's some honey!  I never imagined paying that much for honey.

We give the kids spoonfuls of honey when they are sick.  Tomris now asks for it,

"(fake coughing) I'm sick."

"Oh, do you need some honey?"

Big wide blue eyes, innocent nod, and one more cough for good measure.

at home with the kids

It's Saturday and I tried to get the kids out of the house.  I wanted to take them to the pool where we have a new membership, but Teoman wanted to go to Mina's house. Mina was not home, so I gave him the choice of gym or home, and he was quite happy to stay home and play with his Babanne.  For me, this has been a relief.  His Babanne is sitting and playing cars, doing puzzles, playing "Batman" - he has been quite happy.  It's very sweet and I wish I could do the same, but nowadays, even when I offer, he says: no, I'm gonna play with Babanne.

Well, okay then.  

Tomris goes between being my sidekick - climbing on me, sliding down my legs, bringing me a book, wanting me to hold her - to playing on her own.  She will cry easily about wanting a second treat, or wanting to play the iPad, or her abi not giving her a toy.  She still is giving us a fight at night - I'm scared, I'm hot, I want Babanne, and so on - but she loves to joke too.  We play the "pinch" game, where I chase her with my "pinchers".  We play "pit bugs", something from my family where my parents would tickle our armpits saying there were bugs in them.  I will say,

"Tomris!  Do you have pit bugs?"  And she will start giggling and voluntarily raise her arms for me to tickle, and then laugh and laugh when I do.  There's nothing better than hearing her laugh.  And she will always spend time snuggling with me, nestling into me like a baby once again.

Tolga came home from the field today just as I was putting them down for a nap.  We were in my bed watching something and Tolga came in the room.  Teoman shouted,

"Baba!"  And he stood up on the bed and leaped into Tolga's arms.  Tolga had brought home some lokum, two balls, and some chestnut honey.  Honey in Turkish is bal, so when Tolga told Teoman he would bring some bal, Teoman misunderstood him - thinking he was bringing a ball.  Tolga couldn't resist brining both, but when he pulled out the balls he said,

"This one is for Mama, and this one is for me."  Tolga was laughing and his eyes were as bright as Teoman.  Teoman was sitting on the bed, but once again leaped up and wrestled his Baba for the ball.

They loved their surprises.

I have brought some new story books home from school, and they are loving the new books.  I've been moving them from board books to books with pages.  I've held off pages because Tomris is kind of a destroyer, and English books I value quite a bit - I wish so much I could take them to a proper library.  But until then, we will make do.

reading before bed

wrapping up

It was my second to last day today.  Lots of people thought it was my last day.  Technically, Monday is - and the second response I kept hearing is, "Why would you come on Monday?"

I don't know, because I'm supposed to.  Because I don't want to leave more classes as a burden to more people.  I mean, do I really have permission to just not come?

I'm not quite ready to leave either - I have projects I'm collecting and marking.  I have plans and paperwork to leave behind for my successor.

The assistant principal of the 5th grade came to me, thinking it was my last day as well, and thanked me for all that I do.  He took me by surprise because he has seemed overwhelmed this year and every time I've asked for help from him, I felt like I was one more annoying fifth grader adding to his burden.  But he was returning a compliment I gave him a couple of years ago.  He was the assistant principal of another grade and reviewing my performance.  So I reviewed his as well, in a letter.  I had written other letters that year trying to address issues, and I was tired of the falseness of people's responses, the defensiveness, and even the superficial nature of these performance reviews.  So I decided to be more effective in a positive way, and I thanked him for his support, etc. and the letter touched him.  I knew it would.  Sometimes, we don't thank or compliment people because we are shy, or self-centered, or afraid it will seem insincere or "brown-nosing."  But what silly reasons these are that stop us from sharing something that most likely will just make someone feel good about him or herself.  It's something I learned from my Bayport Grandma.  She never hesitated to rave to someone, and her sincerity made people blush.  The first time she met my piano teacher, her mouth dropped open and she said, "Oh my, what a beautiful smile you have!"  My piano teacher must have weighed over 250 pounds, but her smile is what my grandmother noticed and didn't hesitate to blurt out.

And now, I was being given a compliment, and it does feel good - it helps me leave with confidence rather than self-doubt, satisfaction rather than uncertainty as to whether I had any sort of impact.  It is inevitably lonely being a foreigner - I can't read people as well, I don't hear the gossip, I can't follow the daily happenings very well - I needed to hear something good, and so he was my Bayport Grandma today.


I am very excited for this next phase - being at home with the kids, waiting for the baby - its still hard to believe and imagine that this dear one, kicking in my belly, rolling around constantly, will soon be in my arms and part of this family.  What a beautiful gift - scary and exciting.  Am I ready?  Scared a bit.  A part of me is okay with freezing this moment in time - 9 months pregnant and on hold indefinitely.

I came home today and waited for the kids to ask to go to Mina's, or turn on their show - but they were happily playing with their Babanne.  Baba was clean shaven, fresh clothes, his winter hat on sideways (because he's sick) and a glove on his right hand (because of the rheumatism in his bones) and looking a little more alert tonight.  So I motioned to him with a shake of my hand as if rolling die - my offer to play tavla with him.  He shrugged his shoulder noncommittally - which meant, he was ready to play.

Baba's defeat

I enjoy playing a game or two - but tavla is always played best of five.  And of course this one was dragged out to 5-4, me.  Tomris was up on the table again for most of the game.  Picking up the dice for us, stacking the pieces, shining a flashlight in our faces, playing doctor with my face.  Two year olds are pretty amazing, and no amount of coaxing from her Babanne could convince her that there were better games away from us.

But I didn't mind - she's my girl.

permission to live

I got my work visa today - what a relief.  Tolga and I had planned to come in on Monday (my last day) to figure out what to do if hadn't come - but problem averted.  The new card is quite slick, an improvement from the mini-booklet I had been carrying around for the past five years.

my new work visa

the old work visa

Tolga is away for a few days in the field, so I've been on my own with the kids.  But it's been much easier with the in-laws around.  My mother and brother-in-law are trying to be very helpful.  Not that they weren't in the past, but they haven't lived here in Ankara since last April, and I think we have all found a fresh appreciation for each other, Ankara, and the family unit.  Gokhan's picking up groceries as we need.  Anne is preparing an easy dinner each night (we usually have breakfast for dinner because its so light).  Baba on the other hand has been kind of out of the picture.  He's sick - and I'm sure if I asked him, he would tell me it's from the cold weather in Ankara.  Gokhan also complained of a stomach ache because the nanny left the window open in his room.  It's winter, but maybe in the mid-forties during the day... not that cold.  Gokhan was about to go to the store for his poor sick Baba.  He wanted some salep to help with his cold.  This is the kind of thing where I should keep my mouth shut because I can't win against the cultural beliefs - but I. just. Can't.

"Ah, I don't think you should get him that.  It is filled with sugar and its a milk product."  My mother-in-law said said something about the drink softening his chest.  I just have one word for them all.

TOES.

Baba had four toes amputated last spring because of his/their carelessness.  They feel sorry for him, he feels sorry for himself, or they claim they can't stop him ... and are always relenting on his diet.  The recent amputation has been a wake up call to all - hopefully permanently.  I suggested all the herbal teas we have - and both Gokhan and my mother-in-law were quick to agree with me against the salep, and seemed to have never considered a herbal tea (which was really surprising, as usually Turks are the first to suggest this).

I know I can't change beliefs or the choices people make, and its just as annoying for me to push my ways on them.  But, I think I'm learning slowly, very slowly, how to let other people live.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I can ever just let other people die.

9 months

I am now 36 weeks pregnant.  That's nine months.  I am in my last week of work, because according to Turkish law - women are not allowed to work starting from the 37th week of pregnancy.  FINE WITH ME!

We are almost at the end of the first term and my department tried to plan a luncheon together as a send off for me.  I don't know if its because of the winter, weather, or end of term stress - but it didn't work out.  I can't help but feel like an added burden ... It's fun to celebrate the first baby, is it still fun to celebrate the third?  In the middle of a year full of change of curriculum, and extra work loads?

Gifts from my zumre

A card from all

So we had our weekly department meeting, and a bit of an anticlimactic send-off for me with cake and a gift.  The card read "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Rachel is pregnant, Next year she will be too."

Well, at least we're all on the same page about me and lots of babies...

Inside the package were a pair of pink booties with a flower on it, and pinned to the socks was a gold coin.  A Turkish tradition, but I still felt awkward - I don't do well in the center of attention.  I make weird faces and facial twitches, I give a smile that's frozen in place because I don't know what else to do or say besides thank you.

But the gesture meant a lot to me anyhow - my colleagues friendship, open arms, and well wishes for our baby girl.

misinterpreting signs

There is a sign in the locker room.  My friend and I used to play a game where we'd wrongly interpret signs.


1. Don't hang up towels.




2. Don't light your toothbrush on fire




3. Don't lock two lockers right next to each other.



4. Don't walk on tip-toe.

Still working on a sleep routine

I'm not exactly sure where we went wrong with this routine, but Tomris is currently stripped down to her underwear and crying in her open crib.  Neither Tolga and I are sure how to do this or where to draw the line - it all feels horrible to hear your babies cry...but we've both been trying to put a better routine in place that didn't involve all of us in one bed.  I never thought I'd be that parent that sleeps in a chair or her kids' bed because the kids took over my bed ... But that's what it's come too, and with number three almost here, we are feeling it is even more urgent to break this habit.

We compromised to say weekends only can they fall asleep on my our bed, but I'm not sure, maybe this is just more confusing.  

Bedtime started with a five minute warning, but I know our routine ... Or lack of routine... Is our own fault.  We are tired.  I had a headache, so I was mostly useless.  And Tolga hasn't had to do this much on his own, so he got to experience the parent fail I feel every night he is away.  It really does take two of us to team up, or at the very least "tag out" when we hit our limits.

If we were more decisive, less asking, more immediate consequences ... And by consequences, I mean something very simple - like if they don't come, going over and taking his or her hand - maybe it wouldn't be such a tiresome cycle.  But instead Tolga asked many times for them to come and change their pajamas.  I couldn't see what was happening, but something interrupted the process and I heard everyone laughing - so Tolga's fifteen minutes of coaxing was undone by five minutes of laughter.  Which would have been fine, except Tolga was that much more spent in his energy and patience level.  He gave them their treat before bed and they fought with him over how big the candy was.  I have to remember to tell Tolga not to negotiate so much with toddlers.  Then it was:
brushing their teeth, washing hands, stop playing with the water
I-wanna-kiss everyone good night
I want to sleep with Babaanne
Where's ymca
I'm scared to sleep in my bed
My bed is too hot
I'm thirsty
I have to go potty
I want Babaanne, and so on and so on.
I sent Tolga away and sat in the chair while they continued - especially Tomris - with their delays.  I left the room to take a breath and go the bathroom, they were soon behind me (how did they get out of bed so fast?). Tomris was scared or wanted Babaanne again  - and Teoman couldn't sleep because Tomris was so noisy.  I sent them back to their beds (cause I still had to use the bathroom) and Teoman offered for Tomris to sleep on his bed with him.  I said no and went to the bathroom.  When I came back, Tomris was up in the bunk bed with Teoman.  Teoman had his arm out like Tolga and I do for them - with Tomris was laying on his arm.  It was sweet and heartbreaking at the same time - when Tomris can't find comfort, she finds it from her brother and he was her abi their - comforting her when big bad mama and baba refuse.  I felt horrible, because that was our job, but didn't say anything and sat in the chair.  However, a few minutes late, Tomris was giggling again.

This is why she's so hard to judge - dramatic freak outs one minute,  silly giggles the next.  Is it a free spirit, or a controlling one?

It ended, eventually like this...

Our night started at their buddy Mina's

our birthday

Saturday the in-laws arrived and Teoman especially has been one happy boy.  His Babanne is his buddy.  She does whatever he wants.  She sits on the floor with him, she drives cars with him, she hand feeds him... eventually Babaanne will get tired and Teoman may lose some of the thrill of his grandma being here ... but the time right now is pretty sweet.  Everybody's happy.  Maybe even a little over stimulated, but it's back to "normal".

Teoman telling his Babaanne a story

Tolga sat down with his Baba and played backgammon.  I love watching them play together.  It is their culture, their mannerisms, their relationship.  Their faces are so serious and the game is fast.  It is the sound of Turkey, the game of men.  While it's hard to talk to Tolga during a football match, it's a bit easier during backgammon - he plays for bigger reasons than culture.  He plays to connect with his Baba, to test his Baba's mind, to humor himself but keep up a serious demeanor for his Baba.

Baba has little patience for slow counters (me) and little interruptions (Tomris).  She climbed up on the table to "help" throw the die, slowing their game down a lot.  Baba was losing and blamed it on Tomris and Tolga getting help from his wife watching.

Tolga playing tala with his Baba.  Tomris "helping"

The in-laws only plan on staying a month.  While there are many hard things about all of us in one house, I can't help but feel a bit slighted that they have come so late in the year, and will stay such a short time.  Kusadasi is cold right now, but it feels as if they chose the cold over family, the garden over their grandkids, eating all the olives and mandarins over sharing with us...

Seeing the kids going back and forth, hugging everyone and happily playing - these are the good things of a full house.

Body odor and bad breath is the down side of a full house.

So, we used this time to escape.  Up to this point in our kids lives, I have never liked leaving them, but seeing them with their grandparents and uncle - Tolga and I decided to go out together while they napped.  We had planned on this for quite a while actually.  January 10th is Tolga's legal birthday - a common thing in Turkey where a person's actual birthdate and legal birthdate have been fudged.  Tolga's was pushed past the new year to delay his military service.   Tolga's father has two birthdays, and Tolga's mother's birthdate was fudged by a couple of years.  (It's hard to get a straight answer out of anyone about how old they actually are because some Turks say the year they will turn rather than the actual year.  Gokhan has been telling people he's forty for the past few years, because he almost is...).

I usually celebrate Tolga's second birthday as a joke, sometimes with another present - but last year, somehow we came up with the idea his second birthday would be our birthday.  That we'd start going out and celebrating it together.  We rarely go out together, and at Christmas, and even Valentines we usually prefer to celebrate with our families.  But Tolga reminded me that we had decided to make this our birthday and go out.

We left the house and had no idea what to do... the freedom was overwhelming.  Movie? Shopping?   Gym? Out to eat? Coffee?  We ended up with a mid-day meal, a little shopping and some coffee.  Two days of going out together without the kids - its like our pre-kid days, and we are remembering those days before, and appreciating our days now just as much.

celebrating our birthday

work and play on a saturday

It's Saturday, and I had to go to school for a seminar for the English department.

They had announced this seminar a month ago, and announced "no excuses."  It didn't matter so much to me, but I found it odd they were insisting I go - seeing as the consultant had even stopped coming to my classes because of my upcoming maternity leave.

The kids were up early and left before me with their Baba to pick up the in-laws at the bus station.  They were super excited.  I left early to get a Mocha.  I was super excited too.

Our meeting all day was about the program we are doing - and I continue to stand alone in this weird position that they paint as important and listen to my feedback but plan apart from me.  A Turkish teacher will take over me classes - she just started this past month and she's nervous.  But I keep telling her, and she's starting to see, "don't worry - it seems they are grateful for whatever effort you make, and there is little consequence for not doing things because there is no benchmarks or goals established that you had to accomplish other than 'expose them to Edexcel'"

So we had a chance to go over plans I had written for the rest of the year.  I had outline the entire year last June and this fall because I had time with all the seminar period, and because I like to make things that are unclear, at least clear in my own my mind.  The young woman who is taking my position wants to read stuff on the internet - strategies and theories so she'll know how to tackle these lessons but I told her to not overwhelm herself - read the lesson plans, read the resource materials for additional ideas, revise/simplify the plan I made to suit yourself - then look on the internet for  age appropriate resources to support the goal you decide on for the week:  i.e. looking at similes in poetry.

Still not an easy task to take over someone's work.

I seminar was over at two, and I met Tolga at the baby store on the way home.  The kids were home, napping and would wake up to their grandparents and uncle, so we were excited to steal this time away.  We were at the store and remembering coming to the same place before Teoman was born - it was like having a first baby all over again.  Just two glowing parents to be - filling a cart with diapers, wipes, hospital needs, a newborn outfit, and so on.

As part of my new year's commitment to write everyday - I also mean to take a photo everyday.  But I keep forgetting.  But I'm wishing I had captured this moment of us in the baby store - these are precious days.

caution: pregnant

The last month of pregnancy is very uncomfortable.  Always.

I don’t mind it so much – its part of the package.  In fact, having the baby will be more of relief.  Pre-baby experience – I thought once the baby was born I would no longer be able to sleep, but the truth is – once the baby is born it’s easier to breathe, no more heartburn, I can sleep on my back, I don’t have to use the bathroom all the time . . . getting up to feed the baby every 2-3 hours is a luxury in comparison.

My heart burn has gotten so bad – I wake up about a half hour after I sleep gagging and coughing from all the acid collecting in my throat – I can’t clear it out – gagging and coughing so much I actually do throw up.  Which coincidentally clears my throat.  But this is only a recent development and easily solved – I had eaten to late at night, and when I do, if I sleep in a recliner, it’s enough to keep the acid down.

At one point in the night, most nights now, the kids end up in my bed and I end up in the recliner.  It helps with the pressure and the heartburn.  Teoman had woken up and was next the chair staring at me.  Maybe he had tapped me, I’m not sure, but he scared me.

“Mama,” he said, “I’m wet.” 

“Where?”

“Here,” he said, showing his shirt.

Teoman often sweats a lot when he sleeps and his entire top half of his shirt was damp.  He usually doesn’t wake up and ask me to change his shirt though (that’s a Tomris thing), but he’s been sleeping light these days – I suppose with the excitement of his Babaanne coming.

I told him to get a shirt from the drawer, changed him, and then laid down with him as he spun my ring – his equivalent to a security blanket. 

Currently, getting up from a chair is hard.  I suppose it’s harder with this pregnancy – and I definitely feel my ups and downs throughout the day.  Sometimes I can walk brisk and proud.  Sometimes I waddle painfully.  I feel energetic and peaceful, and then I feel tired and ready to cry.  And I feel all these different emotions in the space of even an hour. 

This morning I left for work and I was at the elevator and I heard Tomris cry for me.  I had been up many times in the night and I was on a low swing - I had snuck out before she had woken, and now she wanted me.  But I didn't turn around because it would be late and it would be even harder to leave.  Which left me mad at myself, and mad at Tolga.  Myself for leaving.  Tolga by default.  

I  sometimes wonder if I should be driving in my condition.  I’m not sure I trust my judgement these days, and with Turkish drivers, the roads can be wild.  I got pinched in traffic the other day – it was one of those one lane roads that the Turks turned into three.  Somehow I got squished in the middle and no one was letting up off the gas.  Including me.  (Like I said, my judgement may not be the best these days).  I laid on the horn and was so close to scraping the car next to me as I had no where to go.  The man hit his breaks and I whizzed on by to the stopped traffic ahead.  The man stopped and got out to check his car as if I had hit him.   He then started walking towards me.  I was like, bring it on – you are not match for this pregnant mama.  I threw my car in park and hauled myself out of the car belly first.  The man might have been yelling at me, but I’m not sure because I was busy yelling at him.  “I didn’t hit you.  What are you looking at?  Why did you come so close to me!?”  They man instantly gave up and went back to his car.

What a sight I must have been.  

I got back in my car shaking my head – but not at the man, more at myself.  What has gotten into me?  I am trying to make a conscious resolve these days to drive with patience, not hormones.