I'm not sure what I really want most of the time

Tolga is away in the field.  He has been for two weeks.  He left when I was sick.  He told me he was sick too ... but I had a hard time finding any sympathy for him.  I had been up with the kids coughing in the night, and then myself - while he slept so hard in a bad position that he lost feeling in his arm.  I had shoved him awake for some unimportant reason, and he was quite dramatic and shocked about not feeling his arm.

Ah, yeah...  If only I could sleep that hard.

And now he is away in the field - and we are living different things.  I am doing the daily things that involve work and home and necessities - groceries, dinner, baths, stories, bedtime, breakfast.  He is sitting in his bed, at a hotel, watching us on the iPad, and TV.  We are fighting, screaming, running, playing, spilling things, cleaning things up ...

It's exhausting for both of us, in different ways.  Tolga would much rather be home - he takes no enjoyment being away.  I try to tell him he should enjoy the outdoors, refresh his mind, rest, socialize ... but he would prefer to spend all his time at home, with his family.

While I sometimes dream of being that person in the quiet hotel room, going for hikes in the mountain as my job.

My in-laws are still not here too.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I like having our house to ourselves, routines are simple -- dishes, groceries, etc. - they are all less.  I like having the kids to myself - not having to compete with their grandma who they want to play with rather than sleep, or the television that is incessantly running, and so on.

But the other side of me feels some resentment.  Like they abandoned us.  We give them a monthly allowance and they are living their life free and far away from us.   Happy to do as they please while we slave away here, paying double bills, alone, with no rest.  They left their grandkids for the garden.  We made a room for them, a home, a family - and now that they have money, their choice is not us.  I am pregnant, working, sick, with Tolga traveling - and they have work to do this winter in Kusadasi.

why I'm annoyed today

1.  I'm pregnant, I can be annoyed at anything.
2.  For example, every single driver on the road to and from work, especially private school parents that block the parking lot waiting for their princes and princesses.
3. My 3 1/2 year old son repeated my annoyances this morning at the car parked too close to my car so I could barely squeeze my big belly into the car, but he added a swear word to it, unwittingly.  I'm not going to say where he learned that from.
4. Lunch gave me heartburn
5. The pharmacy gave me the wrong medicine (and I didn't check it until I got home)
6. The security gate kept closing, rather than opening for me.  Like 5 times.
7. The elevator wasn't working, so I had to take 9 flights of stair in my high-heeled boots, with groceries, and my - of course - big belly.
8. My mother-in-law said she's coming to Ankara when her leg gets better.
9. She added she went to the doctor and her blood pressure is high and cholesterol is high.  Good to know they are eating well.
10. They are eating "well" because the food nazi (me) is not around to hide the salt, sugar, and butter.
11. They are coming in 15 days,  not early enough to watch the kids so we can go to our work Christmas parties - but just in time for me to cook them a big Christmas dinner and buy everybody Christmas presents.

So, I'm starting to write again . . . with a bang.