Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been on my mind a lot. Most times, I push it away. Most times, it resurfaces. Most times, it resurfaces in scenarios that cause me to do some self-examining. For example: after working hard at my minimum wage job I'm told to "pick up the pace". My indignation is pretty instantaneous. There is no stoicism left in me. For example: after budgeting and grocery shopping and counting every penny, opening my mother's fridge I find three open containers of sour cream, two open containers of three different kinds of dressing (yes, that's six in total), three partially used ketchups, two partially used mustards, and left overs from yesterday, three days ago, seven days ago, and over two weeks ago . . . all right, I was sidetracked by the fridge . . . anyhow, I see and feel myself overreacting to the wrong things. Tolga said the other day, "we can't be mad at our brother, he shares your DNA, he's a part of you. You are just being angry with yourself." His words rung true with me, I know I'm not happy with myself. Sometimes I use the line, "well, if mom can change, then I'll know there's hope for me." Other times I'll think, "Well, there's lots of things I can't control, so let me tackle (or freak out on) the things I can "control". Sometimes I think of Janie -a friend who I remember telling me of her hurt and unforgiveness and thinking I knew what she meant while not understanding how she could hold onto unforgiveness. It was a foreign concept to me. Maybe struggle is a foreign concept as well. I've always felt that I've struggled like the next person, but maybe I haven't. Maybe I haven't overcome anything yet. Maybe, when I think of my life, I've been pretty spoiled and my complaints are pretty pathetic.

A good excuse

Tomorrow? No problem.

I will have a lot more to post tomorrow. I write this because I think that tomorrow I will have more time because I'm only working at one job tomorrow AND Tuesday, so that means I might be able to tackle some of my ambitious goals:

Study Turkish

Apply to schools

Read book

Stare at finances

Attempt to organize finances

Update writing logs (I have at least five)

Make dinner

Make cookies

Watch my favorite show

Begin daily exercise routine

Big sigh.

I think I have to rethink this, but its really hard for me to put a lid on my imagination.