Three Things

I don't want to write, but I don't want to increase my habit of not-writing. So I will write briefly about three things.

1) We are on the verge of deciding to stop making payments on most things as it seems to be an endless uphill battle - especially with no regular work. I have begun to wonder if it is more wise to begin to save and pool what little money we have. We aren't paying our mortgage, we won't be paying our maintenance, we've been paying credit cards that keep increasing our interest and lowering our limits, and there are always those surprise bills (like: surprise - water leak; or surprise! medical bill from 2 years ago that insurance somehow never paid) - and in the end, our debt is only growing. It's a bad feeling not being able to make payments, but it is a hovering stress that won't change - particularly without jobs and so it seems to make sense to pool our money to pay for what is necessary: the home we and our family is living in, and cash for immediate needs.

2) In the television show "Meet the Tribe", five members of a tribe from a remote island are brought to America to learn about life in the USA. The members go from wearing loin cloths to Western outfits - and their observations were humbling:

"Your cows will not live well nor taste good if they don't eat grass" (Commenting on the feed concoction given to the cows).

"Those medicines going into the cows will be going into you. That doesn't seem good." (Commenting on the antibiotics being injected into the cows).

"It's a tragedy that with all this land, all these machines, and a fat wallet - with all these things you die like everybody else." (Commenting on the seemingly incredible wealth of the farmers).

"It looks like a cow but has the hair of a man." "It looks like the Devil!" (After stumbling across, and running away from, a buffalo.)

"Do you know Tom Navy? We want to bring to him a message of peace - to help America lay down its weapons. Guns should only be used to shoot animals. Not people." (Members repeating the mission given to them from their tribal chief for legend has it that a man named Tom Navy, from America, came to their tribe during the Great War and brought peace among the tribes and thus, the chief has commissioned the members to do the same, return the favor, to America).

3) I love my husband. It may sound redundant to write it down, but I am amazed everyday by such a gift. I have always felt loved, but I am finding such great strength in having a partner in life. Each day I am loved and affirmed by Tolga, it is a humbling revelation about what it means to be in an active relationship.

Roger That

I dreamed last night that I was trying to work my second job schedule around with my third job schedule. I woke up with more things on my mind and couldn't sleep.

Tolga wasn't home having worked the 2am shift, so I got up and made coffee and breakfast for when he got home. We had breakfast together, and then I went to work while he would sleep most of the day. We will have dinner together, and tomorrow will be another full cycle of school and Target.

We both feel grateful for the work. It is busy, but low-stress/responsibility because there are so many people helping out. I walk around with a walkie-talkie and scanner loading shelves, helping guests, and responding to calls over the radio. And I am always thanked.

In case you were interested

My day went like this:

I woke up, got ready for school, called the school, and learned I didn't have to be there until 915am. Sweet, I can go back to bed!

920 - Taught 8th grade Science. Had to confiscate a very large paper ball.

1014 - break

1100 - lunch

1130 - taught four more super annoying eighth grade classes.

215 - finished may day, went to library and returned movie

300 - stopped at Webster, the school two blocks from my house, to pick up the book I left there yesterday. Asked if they had seen my water bottle while they were looking. I was given a used water bottle. Found my orange water bottle later under the couch.

315 - did stuff at home

415 - went to shop and work at Target ( bought on sale food before work with discount card, and a long sleeve shirt for work for $5 during my break).

1015 - came home to messages of the NY apartment water leaking and our tenant wanting to buy our furniture.

And that's it.

The Immediate

It has been hard to keep up on writing. Things aren't harder or easier I suppose, they seem the same. Same old, same old. Applying for jobs, taking different sub jobs, fighting with various organizations about money money money and trying not to make that money king.

I look at my husband and I am encourage more and more. It is a gift to be married. A gift I never thought much about and assumed that I would receive one day. But I am humbled by the surprise and my own arrogance that I would ever have such a privilege as marriage. I, we - keep working for this, and for this I don't have as much doubt, because our marriage is our starting point and our returning point.

Both Tolga and I are working at Target now. It's a bit comical, and we both enjoy the mindless brawn they've hired. It is stress free, responsibility free, for barely above minimum wage. Tolga works the opening shift - 4am for four to eight hours, I work the closing shift for four to six hours. He works receiving lines, I work the sales floor. It's mindless and busy, and apparently only getting busier in the next week. Tomorrow I work at a middle school teaching Science, and then Target until close. I am happy with the work for now, and still hope for a job for Tolga.

I haven't heard back from St. Paul Schools yet, so I'm assuming I haven't got any of the positions and/or they are negotiating offers with other teachers. I'm not completely disappointed, as I surely didn't want a part-time position if I could make more working as a sub ... it is not an exciting choice, but a necessary choice. I want to be free our financial burdens here.

I applied for another job as an Emergency Room Technician at a local hospital. I actually had to apply through their mammoth website, a process I 've been doing, and continuing to do since last March, but I usually am rejected by email within a couple of weeks of applying. I went to the hospital the other day, hoping to bypass the system, and meet a person. I talked with the HR assistant, who could only check that my application was submitted. In the end, she relented and said I could call the office next week and she would connect me with the HR Generalist. In the meantime, I've decided my next strategic attempt will involve depositing my resume in certain people's mailboxes . . .

In the meantime, subbing is always a trip. Today I subbed at a school that was two blocks from my house. And apparently, my house is in the ghetto. Okay, not really the ghetto - but all the teachers at Webster seem to think so. There are many apartments around us that are low-income housing. Okay, and come to think of it, there was a shooting recently. But it's not that bad, is it? I told her I lived in the four-plex down the street, the teacher asked, "The one facing the street or the sideways one?" And proceeded to tell me of a student that had that used to live in "the sideways one".

The class was relatively fine, but as I always say - Elementary is exhausting. There are a million things that an elementary school teacher does in a day - that's what makes it fun. Coming in as an outsider, it gives me really bad headaches. The kids' day is one of a thousand routines. Come in, hang up things, set chairs, file homework, sign in attendance, participate in interactive on board - all in the first five minutes. I tend to fall behind in the elementary school day, and mine turns into one where I am late on snack, transitions, lunch and recess. Elementary school kids love their routines, and always tell me when I'm doing something different or forgetting something (even if that something they had only done one time because it's fun to know more than the sub).

The kids are extreme too. Tuesday I was subbing a class. At one point he went to the bathroom (a toilet was in the classroom). I had to count for him to come out as he was playing with the faucet. He came out and proceeded into a meltdown that started with elephant tears, turned into a scream and picking up a chair that he threw out into the hallway. He was six years old.

Kids used to throw desks in the middle school I taught at, and I was surprised at the first grader's outburst. Poor kid. I know the feeling. I subbed at my alma mater the other day, and one student - after hearing of the places I worked - asked, "Are you afraid for your life when you go home?"

It got me thinking about the differences between the cities, between the states. Why, when I go to one district, is the work independent, self-directed - while it takes so much management in city schools. Are the suburban kids more capable of making independent choices that will benefit their futures, while city kids are not. It seems so. The city kids are faced on the immediate, the basic the needs that have yet to be met.

Wait a minute.

I'm focused on the immediate too.

unseasonably

I was at North High again, teaching gym class. I love gym class. It was high school strength training class and my day was over by 12:15pm.

I came home and studied Turkish, read another Newbery Medal book, looked up recipes, went on a walk with my husband and my brother's dog in the unseasonably warm weather (56!).

I came home and started another project - logging fitness online. It was more work than actually exercising which I didn't have time for because the entries took too long.

Mom didn't work tonight, so we all stayed up and watched "Marley and Me".

The Governors

St. Paul Schools posted a position last week for an English Teacher at Johnson High - A school that is about 5 miles from where I live. I wasn't able to get through the web site until Wednesday, I applied then, and emailed the principal an introduction of myself. Thursday a sub position was posted a Johnson High and so I took the position thinking it would be a good chance to scout out the school.

The first person I met smelled like tacos. The second person I met smelled like Roman Noodles Soup.

The school runs on 90 minute blocks, and the day is over at 2pm, so I taught just three classes. I happen to be subbing for the teacher who is leaving, on seemingly not so great terms. It seems she has taken a job somewhere else, which I wonder where else she got a job? Especially at this time of year, in this economy . . . where could she be going?

I met the principal as well. The secretary introduced me, and the secretary recognized my name. She actually looked at me as if she recognized me. She said they were trying to speed up human resources so that they could begin interviews for the position by the end of next week.

We'll see.

Their mascot is the Johnson Governors.

Team

At Target, we're a team. A smiling, jump-to-it, willing, top-notch kind of team. Feedback is constant, positive, and reports all things big and small:

"Team members, we're doing great on Sales today!"

"This is Liz, going on break"

"Okay Liz!"

"This is Cher, returning from break, going on my loop."

"Thanks Cher!"

It struck me today that all this teamwork reminded me of AF - but AF still makes me feel a bit nauseous, whereas Target, I can't help completely enjoying it all.

Maybe its because I have no responsibilities to mention, and so I carry no burdens.

So what was the load I was carrying at AF?

SPED

I taught a middle school Special Education class today - labeled SPED DCD which I think stands for developmental and cognitive disability. I had three students, two paraprofessionals, and a parent in the room.

I've taught SPED before and it's humbling. The classroom is set up like a pre-school, where students are practicing identifying/remembering days of the week, months, numbers, and letters. Everything is a learning activity, from eating to playing games. We were playing "Chutes and Ladders" and the several large tasks we were working on was a) remembering which game piece was ours, and b) remembering whose turn it was.

Time is slowed down as we run on different schedules and allow plenty of time for students to accomplish, or not accomplish the most basic of tasks. All three students were non-verbal, but two could communicate with pointing, pictures and minimal sign language (as long as the fine motor skill wasn't too intricate). The third student was wheelchair bound, having no muscle control whatsoever, communicating with very subtle eye movements - but even these were delayed. Her mother attended to her, suctioning her mouth when she coughed, hooking up the feeding tube, and changing her if needed. The students were teenagers.

The world of disabilities is its own small community, and when I'm in this community, I start feel more aware of the small things, daily events and tasks that I've taken for granted.

My formula

Tolga's phone alarm isn't loud. It's musical, in a cell-phone-ish way. Vibrating and soft music together. It's what we've been waking up to. That and another alarm on by my head. And my phone. He got up at 3am, I got of at 3:30 and brought him to work, I went to bed at 4am, got back up at 6am, found a job and I'm not sure what happened after that because suddenly it was 7:30 and I was late. I was eating a bagel, drinking coffee, checking due dates on the library card and somehow I fell behind. How and why I do this, I do not know. I was annoyed at 3am when Tolga woke me several times to get us when it only took my ten seconds to put on clothes to drive him there, but I was admiring his discipline as I was racing to work.

I didn't exactly race. I took back roads because of rush hour traffic and the back roads turned out to be slow roads. I called the school when I was three blocks away to say I would be late, and little did I know it would take me another fifteen minutes to find my way to the right door.

And to think I used to call myself resourceful.

I found myself on one way streets passing a bunch of magnet schools and museums and community centers with little signs that I couldn't read fast enough. I finally parked in a lot next to a car that had plates and junk glued all over its body as 3D art. I made my way through the maze of non-traditional hallways (the building used to be owned by a corporation before Saint Paul schools took it over), eventually arriving at Capitol Hill, home of the cougars.

I was the Physical Education teacher today, and I was directed up to a classroom. I walked into an empty room, did a quick glance around for lesson plans or instructions, and then flagged a student down to help me find the gym. The Assistant Principal was monitoring the class and she handed me a pile of keys, telling me, as she was walking out, to ask for help if I needed anything. I immediately asked for help in finding her office and lesson plans, to which we found and I eventually began teaching.

Gym is fun. I used her whistle and thought afterwords that it might not have been a good idea if the teacher was out with the flu. ..

I had to teach a health class as well, which didn't go as well because the video we were supposed to watch didn't work.

It all gave me a pretty bad headache by the end of the day.

late = stress + unknown variables = headache.

Check.

Soaking up each other

Our day went like this:

3am - Tolga gets up for work (we've both started at Target as seasonal help).
630am - I get up for a teaching job.
730am - I go to North High School to teach Family Science
11am - Tolga comes home from work
1120am - I come home from work because a) I forgot my sandwhich and b) I have to travel to another school right next to our house for the afternoon classes.
130pm - I am done teaching for the day, I leave school and head over to Goodwill to find a red shirt to wear to Target. After trying on over twenty different red shirts, button-ups and sweaters because I'm hesitant to spend any money these days, I find a 70s style track jacket. It kind of smells.
230pm - home and nap.

I napped because I was stressed. I was stressed because of money. I hope I will eventually learn to not let money/debt rule. In the meantime, I've headaches hover nearby constantly.

Tolga prepared a bath for me to relax. I took a book, lit a candle, and soaked in the hot water for a long while.


Worries aren't as important when you know you are loved.

Technology in different places

When I taught in Brooklyn, we had SMARTboards and tablet PCs as a result of a huge technology grant awarded our school. Teaching in Minnesota, I've seen some districts have the SMARTboards as well, and I've noticed some differences as well.


Their SMARTboards are secured to the wall.
Mine was on a wobbly stand that I secured with ropes to the steel frame windows so no one would knock it over.

Their SMARTboards are lit up by projectors on the ceiling.
Our ceilings were 20 feet high, and so our projection screens were on carts on the floor. Cords needed to be secured and everytime a student bumped the cart, the screen had to be re-calibrated. Not to mention, all loved to play shadow puppetry during the period.

They use Infinite Campus, and so did I - but why was it such a headache when Iused it?

Their students sometimes have laptops with carrying cases.
Ours sometimes dragged their laptops behind them like a dog on a leash, complaining that the 4 lbs tablet was "too heavy".

Okay, maybe that was just one kid named Frankie.