I'm not sure what I really want most of the time

Tolga is away in the field.  He has been for two weeks.  He left when I was sick.  He told me he was sick too ... but I had a hard time finding any sympathy for him.  I had been up with the kids coughing in the night, and then myself - while he slept so hard in a bad position that he lost feeling in his arm.  I had shoved him awake for some unimportant reason, and he was quite dramatic and shocked about not feeling his arm.

Ah, yeah...  If only I could sleep that hard.

And now he is away in the field - and we are living different things.  I am doing the daily things that involve work and home and necessities - groceries, dinner, baths, stories, bedtime, breakfast.  He is sitting in his bed, at a hotel, watching us on the iPad, and TV.  We are fighting, screaming, running, playing, spilling things, cleaning things up ...

It's exhausting for both of us, in different ways.  Tolga would much rather be home - he takes no enjoyment being away.  I try to tell him he should enjoy the outdoors, refresh his mind, rest, socialize ... but he would prefer to spend all his time at home, with his family.

While I sometimes dream of being that person in the quiet hotel room, going for hikes in the mountain as my job.

My in-laws are still not here too.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I like having our house to ourselves, routines are simple -- dishes, groceries, etc. - they are all less.  I like having the kids to myself - not having to compete with their grandma who they want to play with rather than sleep, or the television that is incessantly running, and so on.

But the other side of me feels some resentment.  Like they abandoned us.  We give them a monthly allowance and they are living their life free and far away from us.   Happy to do as they please while we slave away here, paying double bills, alone, with no rest.  They left their grandkids for the garden.  We made a room for them, a home, a family - and now that they have money, their choice is not us.  I am pregnant, working, sick, with Tolga traveling - and they have work to do this winter in Kusadasi.