battitudes

I have a problem.

Okay, fine, I have many problems.

But this one is a part of me, always has been, and I usually get away with it - so this problem has been able to live on inside of me, be fed, and groomed, and placated when needed.  But that isn't the best way to deal with a problem, is it?

I'm not sure I can even define this problem.  It has to do with my attitude.  Our battitude, shall I say?  I wake up with one or both of the kids and Tolga doesn't move.
I go to the kitchen to prepare something for the kids and I set my book or computer or phone in something sticky on the table, because no one thinks wiping the kitchen table is part of cleaning up after dinner.
I throw something in the garbage, and the garbage is leaking, spilling over, no garbage bag in the canister, etc.
If Tolga gets up to make pancakes, his mom will join him and help him - if its just me up, no one seems to rise.
Then I start seeing all the flaws of the house - the stains on the couch, chairs, the junk here and there.
Then Tolga's brother join us to eat, complains about a few things - how he was up late working, or has a heachach, or didn't get his salary, or might get his salary, and then he disappears again.
My mother-in-law cleans everything up.
My mother-in-law asks what she should make for lunch - I'm pretty surly by now, and I don't want anybody's help, or idea of help - I can take care of myself, and my kids - you guys take care of yourselves.
We need groceries - we have to go to the market.
The kids want my constant attention.
I want Tolga's.
Everyone wants Tolga's attention.
Somedays, I hate sharing him with everyone.
Somedays, I hate everyone and everything.

So that's a typical problem I have.  Let's call it, Saturday morning.  Then, Tolga tries to fix it.  He offers for me to go back to sleep (to which I often decline because now I'm awake, hungry, or Tomris is demanding my attention).  He orders his brother to help, or his mother to sit down, or cleans up the garbage mess.  So herein is my second problem: no matter what he does, my battitude doesn't change - in fact, out of stubbornness I think it gets worse.

Talking about it makes it worse too.  My complaints are empty and meaningless and surely not the real problem.  Staying true to my personality type, its probably my expectation of what a Saturday morning should look like: Everybody doing their part and cleaning up after themselves, sharing the duties equally, selflessly, flawlessly.  But that probably wouldn't fix my problem either.  Sometimes I think maybe I should escape the house on a Saturday morning, find some alone time - I fantasize about a walk down to Starbucks, some writing or reading time.  Quiet time at least.  But I can't bring myself to leave my kids - the weekend is our time.

And herein lies my third problem, and the one that makes me want to shake myself out of this - my battitude effects everyone.  I think in the past, this battitude survived because people made jokes, laughed at me, or ignored me.  All were effective in me getting over "it" but not dealing with "it".  I hate myself for it, and hate everyone for causing it - but I mostly hate what it does to my husband.  He tolerates it, or tries to fix the problem (as we can see, doesn't work), gets stressed, but eventually - true to his honest nature - gets mad at me.

Which, by the way, also doesn't help.

This was our lunchtime conversation:
Me: What is all this leftover food in the fridge?
Tolga: I think that's soup.
Me: What is everyone "saving" it for the kids?
Tolga: I don't know.
Me: So now your mom made rice, we'll eat leftovers and they will eat rice and yogurt, and Gokhan will make everybody cheese toast because they are "saving" the spinach for the kids.
Tolga: Do you want me to tell them to finish all the food?
Me: They will anyways, they always do.
Tolga: (getting mad) So do you want them to eat the food, or not want them to eat the food?

I don't know.  What am I doing?  Trying to control how they live, eat and sleep?

We've talked about not living with them - but when we talk about it, I don't accept it because while I am often times resenting their presence, I've also agreed to the situation and I'm too stubborn to back down on this. I've never understood the logic of doing something that's "best for myself" because my obligatory sense to the larger unit - and in this case, Tolga's family unit - isn't just an obligation, it's what I believe in.  Family should help one another.  My kids need their uncle and grandparents to be a part of their lives.  (In fact, I'm not sure I trust how they would turn out if it was just me in their lives.)

It's just a general frustration that I can't put my finger on, but probably is just a part of living with a lot of other people.  I have been more tolerant about it for some time now, but my disappointment over losing so many pictures and videos and files and whoknowswhat maybe triggered this feeling of having loss control of everything. Or just reemphasized that fact that I have control over nothing.

So the only thing left, it seems, is for me to change my attitude.

Which, by the way, also hasn't been working.  Apparently, I can't even control my own feelings - I just tuck them away for awhile.

Sigh.

ugh.