It is so horrifying what children bring out in us. It's impossible to live under the belief any longer that I'm a pretty good person. I didn't consciously think this, but I'm realizing more and more that the belief is there. That I've leveled sin, and counted my level as not so "high". But my kids are constantly exposing this heart deception I have. No, I am not a murderer or abuser or a thug or a money cheater person (money launderer sounded too specific). But all these horrible actions start small - it's not a one day thing. And I've not had to be an addict to understand that I am just as susceptible to these things as the next person. Put me in a hard circumstance, and I'm not so sure I'd keep heroic ethics or a humble heart.
Words come to my mouth so quickly - sometimes I can stop it, and sometimes I can't. Horrible, manipulative, passive aggressive or all out threats.
"Mamma, why are you mad?"
"Because your UNCLE dumped tea into the garbage AGAIN and now the garbage is leaking everywhere AGAIN."
"Teoman GO TO SLEEP or you're sleeping by yourself in the crib!"
My plan today was to skip their naps. Maybe not a wise choice, but it was a rough night. Teoman took FOREVER to fall asleep. I turned on my computer at one point to do some work and Teoman turned in the bed to watch. I turned him over several times, patiently at first, encouraging him to sleep. Then, at one point I forced him over and swatted his bottom. It sounds so less dramatic writing it now, but I felt so horrible and mad at the time. I wanted him to sleep, I wanted to do my things, and I realized I was doing it all wrong - having the computer light on, having my own list of things to do, not being calm - and I couldn't interrupt the momentary cycle. I was starting to lose it. I started off with a gentle, "It's time to sleep." And "Close your eyes." But slowly it moved onto "You can sleep here, or in your crib - but you have to sleep." To "CLOSE YOUR EYES!" and "GO TO SLEEP!"
Listen to me, ordering my child to sleep. Ugh.
I tried, several times - to reset. I'd turn the lights off, snuggle... then I'd go crazy after a while with his ring twisting and kicking and my desire to get to other things. And what was I teaching my child anyhow? Obsession with electronics, spank or raise your voice when you're angry? Do-not-as-I-do?
We all have it in us - I know this, but for the first time over the past few months I've found personal meaning to "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Cor 12:9 - out of context and only partially quoted here because I'm not done with my thoughts on this. But, my anger, manipulation, etc. etc. are all a part of my sinful nature that I cannot change. It was a devastating realization at one point, but I find these days an unexplainable hope that God's power will be made perfect in this weakness.
It took over an hour-and-a-half for Teoman to sleep. He was overtired and staring off into space. I couldn't sit still. In the end - I handed him off to Tolga who had fallen asleep on the chair in the other room with Tomris. Tomris woke up too many times that night (3? 4? 100?), and Teoman woke up and came to our bed in a chatty mood. He must of had a dream about a scary statue - because I came back in the room after putting Tomris back to sleep and he was talking with his Baba about how statues don't move, they can't talk, you can touch them, they are not people, and so on.
The morning we got lucky and they both slept in until 8:30. We had a lazy breakfast, changed everybody and headed out to the mall. I have a rule - we have to go the malls before noon because of parking, naps, and elevator access. There are too many people in Ankara that do the same thing and not enough elevators. It's like the roads, an elevator is a free-for-all and pregnant women, elderly, and parents with strollers be damned.
I do it though because we have to get the kids out of the house - or they begin to drive us all crazy. They are really noisy. Always. It's so sweet and funny but always hits a breaking point. Getting out with the kids is fun because everything is exciting for them and their noise and energy gets dispersed into the world and onto other people. The car ride, the mall and all the places to run, hide, mix up. We usually eat somewhere, usually break down and buy something, and then make our way back home. Tomris falls asleep instantly in the car if I put on kids music. Teoman fights sleep the whole way home.
We got home and Tomris was by my side, sitting next to me on the bed, standing next to me in the bathroom, sitting on my lap when I eat. Teoman was driving his large noisy dump truck around and around the house again and again.
Tolga his his maximum tonight with the kids too. Their noise and fighting and stubbornness. I totally understood his feeling.
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