all or none with Anne

I shouldn’t get so irritated with my mother-in-law so much.  It seems totally irrational.  And what’s worse, I’m getting that crazy feeling inside me where I just become more irrational, rather than stepping back.  

So my first step in stepping back was to pray.  Dear Lord, help me to love more truly.  My second step is to write about it (In the past, if I wrote about it first, it was just anger and swearing and full of unforgiveness - i.e. two days ago).  My third step is to not tell Tolga about my feelings - because he knows them and wants to fix the circumstances and just becomes stressed, frustrated, and angry at his mom - none of which I want (but I eventually did anyhow).  

My fourth step should be a stiff drink.

***

So, what’s my problem?  I’m mad at her for offering to help me - for offering to carry something for me or for taking the wheelbarrow or holding Bartu or putting on their shoes.  For doing everything for Baba.  And Baba for working so hard in the garden, but unable to change his own clothes.  For Anne complaining that she has to do everything for her “kid” (her husband) and then doing it anyway - saying “what can I do?  He needs my help.”  For acting so selfless - and then hurting her self - so her selflessness turns into this form of martyrdom.

And this “selflessness” only makes me feel more selfish.  I feel weirdly betrayed.  Even though she almost endlessly is offering help to me, when she inevitably over does it she is down and all her help and good intentions are not only gone, but I have the added load of her health and Baba's general needs.  Now I have to do everything she was doing, but I am stubbornly thinking:  I am not going to take care of you too.  I just can’t give back to her the same she gave to me.  I didn’t ask her to spoon feed my children.  I did ask her to tell me if she couldn’t do something.  I didn’t ask to lift the water jug.  I did ask her to not carry the wheelbarrow.  And seriously, why do you insist on bending over with "back pain?"

I just want to withdraw me and my family into myself.  I want to retract all my tentacles that I connected to her, that showed I needed her.

But . . . Zuleyha is here - helping - and picking up all the slack, and filling in to help Anne and Baba too.  It has been a huge relief - not just physically, but mentally.  I can let things go quicker and not worry over my in-laws health because Zuleyha is looking after everything. (And, with a much better attitude).  Their health is always the biggest stressor for me.  The rest of the family seems to forget quickly - Anne is diagnosed with osteoporosis and for one week she is reminded over and over again to not pick up heavy things.  For two months she is religiously eats one cup of yogurt a day and one glass of milk.  Baba has some hallucinations, and everyone agrees he should never be left alone, he shouldn’t go out by himself - and now he’s going out by himself alone.

But today, in spite of all the help and support, I find myself frustrated again with Anne.  For being unable to take care of herself.  For this pattern.  For using Zuleyha.  (Because, if Zuleyha weren't here, it would surely be me in this position).  For becoming lazy and dramatic.  For staying in bed at night and refusing food - so someone would bring her food on a tray to her bed.   For always saying Hakan will do something for her, and then feeling so bad that he can’t rest.  For making us all stay up late tending to her.  For coming downstairs with a smile, for bending over and kissing her grandson in spite of her dramatic back pain, for sleeping all day - and then being up and night so happily rested and drugged - with her baby boy and grandchildren for a night of getting attention while everyone else is getting so exhausted.  

It seems so dishonest.  Why is her honesty so important to me?  I guess I want to count on her - but they keep disappointing me and so I can’t because I never know how she’s going to be - like some sort of mental patient, or someone with Alziehmer's, is this a good day or a bad day?

Of course she needs his attention.  We all do.  With Anne - she doesn’t ask for the attention, ever.  She gives and gives and gives - and then dramatically requires attention - and it feels manipulative. 

Could we ever tell her this? That her selfless offers of help is actually making our lives more difficult?  She doesn’t know how to live otherwise.  She couldn’t imagine not taking care of Baba.  She can’t say no to her grandchildren.  She sees your need more than her own need - how could that be wrong?  And, if things get bad, in her mind, she can always call Hakan if she needs him - he is, after all, her son.  So what am I going to do, explain to her that when she helps so much that she gets hurt, she is actually inconveniencing us more with her injury - so she shouldn’t offer to help so much because I don’t want to be bothered with her health issues?

And yet, in spite of all the trouble and drama, what would I do in Kusdasi without them?  This empty house and overgrown garden.  Or even with a maid and a gardner - without their love, their comedy and their drama?