more to lose now

When I was younger, I was excited at the idea of challenge and struggle - I was waiting for a hard thing to happen to me so I could seek God and have a testimony to tell of how through this and that God saved me, how in my darkest hour I called on God.  I mean - I'm pretty sure I was jealous of all the backsliders out there because they had such good stories to tell.

I thought junior high was hard.  I had written on my locker what would Jesus do? long before it became a fad and a bracelet.  It came out of our family devotions and the book the phrase come from, In His Steps.  Junior high was hard.  I'm pretty sure I cried about something every single day.  It was, at least hard, from the perspective of a junior higher.  And high school wasn't much more fun either.  I had hard days - relatively.  But in a way I embraced those days - I prayed and believed, or at the very least believed something would come of those days.

And now I don't find myself as eager to embrace struggle and hard days.  I don't really want it any more even though I know they are coming - I'm seeing myself on a path of total pain avoidance, which I know will more likely lead me to pain I could have avoided.

When I was younger I wanted the adventurous life - one that trusted God.  Where I took risks out of faith, without knowing the outcome.  I don't desire those risks any longer, and I am disappointed in myself for this.

I'm planning, planning, planning, budgeting, without asking, or risking.  Just ploughing through the pages, but losing the adventure.

And, I kind of want to be adventurous again.

Kind of.