There seems to be no better teacher than living with your in-laws. We are supporting them and this is supposed to be a gift. Unconditional. Because we love them.
But from the time we've moved here, and witnessing over and over irresponsibility with money and choices - I have struggled with feelings of resentment. I also have to actively fight my desire to control them, or at the very least, smack someone upside the head.
Gokhan offered me an instant mocha coffee he had bought at the store. Then he giggled and said Baba had wanted one too so he had just made one for Baba.
Why did you give your diabetic toeless father a mocha?
Does it have sugar?
Really? Do you really not know the answer to that question?
And it's not this one action, it's actions like these day after day, where my in-law's inconsistency with diet, lack of follow through in health, and emotional spending end up being our responsibility. That they are, in a way, shielded from the consequences of their actions. Tolga and I that are literally paying for their bad choices and repeated mistakes through hospital and credit card bills.
There are four things that have been stirring in my mind about this lately - and it's been the very opposite to my feelings (which is a good thing, because my feelings were getting pretty dark).
1) Tolga has always said we need to accept each other. This is love. I know that's an obvious statement, and when he first said it many years ago I wrote the simplicity of this off to his limited English. But I soon realized, particularly through my own family, how little we accepted in each other. In fact, we seemed to think that was love - pointing out what was wrong with each other. For a while, I told myself - that was okay, sometimes it's necessary. We are just being honest.
But is it? When has pointing out someone's faults or mistakes ever inspire change? In fact, I don't think Jesus ever did this.
2) My brother Josh has been going through a hard time since he was about ten and decided to begin a life of rebellion. Recently he was dumped by his girlfriend of ten years. He was living at her place, and because of an unsurmountable debt to the IRS - his only "assets" are his truck which he needs for his business, and his tools. After the breakup, he moved in with my sister - and after a couple of months - my youngest and oldest sibling consulted with each other on the situation and decided to kick Josh out. My father had done the same thing on numerous occasions - and all with the same thinking behind it: that he just needs a nudge in the right direction, that giving him a place to live was a crutch and he needed to pick himself up and move on.
I understand the underlying fear of being an enabler to his problems, and the dilemma of whether it is love or not to continually support someone who is not growing - much like an alcoholic or drug addict.
But the action all by itself is cold, unsympathetic, and rooted in this conditional love and belief that we should be self-sufficient - I'll help you, as long as you get better and change - because you can you know, you can pick yourself up by your bootstraps.
3) We go to "The Chapel", a church on the military base whose congregation is made up of well paid embassy workers. The dollar goes far here, and so tithing, offerings, and ministries are a part of my friends job as the chaplain's assistant. The chapel has a woman about 60 years old that has worked for them for many years. She is Turkish, and like most Turkish women, she is full of complaints relating to health and finances. My friend was telling me her dilemma - as a church, there are many people here willing and able to help her financially, but what is our role here? She has family that could be helping her, she has this and she has that... Tolga answered,
Do you want to help her? Yes or no? If yes, than help her. If no, then don't.
Ah, Duh!
No, what I mean is - it's not honest to give her money and then tell her how she can use it, or make judgements about it. It is a gift.
Whoa.
4) And lastly, to go large scale here - I was reading a book today by a Brit who was commenting on the American health care debate - Obama Care or the Affordable Care Act. He couldn't understand why people were not supporting the bill. That people were ignoring the deed of helping humanity, creating a better whole because so-and-so doesn't work and will just take advantage of the plan. Conditional love. And that same thinking could be applied to Welfare, Refugees, Immigrants - so many other things where people are choosing the welfare of humanity because of the fear that some didn't earn it, or are taking advantage, and so on.
Well, none of us earned this love, did we..
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