but I need you..

I used to not understand people whom I thought were such good people - when praised, would just shake their head, barely able to take a compliment.  I figured their dismissal was part of what made them so great, it's not me, it's the grace of God in me.  
Sure, I thought, but because you are so humble and willing you can say that.  So, it's partially you too.  
Or they just hard on themselves - seeing their faults as bigger than they were.  But now I find myself in that position.

"Rachel you're such an angel for living with you in-laws."
"You're the perfect bride."
"Everybody talks about you, how amazing you are working and having small kids at home."
"Turkish brides don't get along with their in-laws, they wouldn't do what you're doing these days."

And so on...

I shake my head in embarrassment.  I appreciate and even soak up their praise, but it's embarrassing too because I know my heart - and it's far from angelic.  And so, I am beginning to understand these people that I admired, these people who I thought were acting humble but I believed to be superhuman ... well, I see why they didn't know how to respond.  It's hard to be proud when you are so aware of your own ugliness.  It's not false humility, it's not self deprecating - it's just the human condition.  Imperfect and in need of redemption. Every. Single. Day.

I can take this in a religious direction - about how God uses our weakness and is made strong - but it sounds insincere when I do that - jargon that not everyone can connect too.

So here's part of the truth of what I'm experiencing currently in our living condition.  My in-laws are in the house with us - a 4 bedroom apartment on the 9th floor holding five adults and three children.  I am very happy these days with a full house - it's a relief to have Gokhan getting groceries and the kids playing with their Babanne when I'm busy with the baby.  It's fun watching Dede do puzzles with Teoman and love on the baby.

They stayed with us almost the entire year for a couple of years.  But last year, they left in early April and didn't come back until this January.  I was visiting their house in the summertime.  Baba worked in his garden, Anne worked in her kitchen.  They were happy when we came, and sad when we left - but they all chose to stay, and stay for a long time.  They called and said how much they missed the children, and now they are here and are talking once again about how much they will miss the children when they leave again.  When the weather is warm enough they will go to Kusadasi.  They will be sad to leave their grandkids, they will cry - but they will leave anyhow.  We will give them money, the house, pay for the bus tickets and the monthly bills - and I will be alone.

So, when they are here - here's one of the phrases I fight with in my head.  I don't need you.  Everyone is so willing to help when they are here.  Anne wants to cook food - not for herself, or Baba or Gokhan - but for the kids.  She offers to help me with baths, or they baby, or whatever she can.  But alls I can feel is - they are all going to leave us . . .