Okay, so I realize that I put myself into these impossible situations. I realize I myself will drive myself crazy. I realize that it is only me that has to give up or let go of the conditions that I put on myself and others.
But it's hard.
It's hard, because I don't want to, for one. I feel really stubborn about it. This is what people are talking about when they say "die to yourself" because it feels like you're killing a part of yourself, and you are - the unhealthy part, but it's our nature to self preserve. I mean, who really wants to die?
I have a mop for outside, inside, the bathrooms, and the second floor. Don't mix the mops. I want to feed all three, clean up all three, put one of three to sleep and clean. Vegetable dish for lunch because they won't eat one later. Television for emergencies when preparing dinner.
I want the kids to wash their feet before they come into our room. They run around barefoot and the bottoms of their feet are black. Between our tiled floors, the terrace, and the garden - it's inevitable. So they rinse their feet, dry them on the bat mat, and come into the room with no sand or mud.
And I don't have to clean it.
Except this means lifting them up to the sink, or turning on the shower water just right then mopping up after them, it means one may slip while I'm attending another.
I'm not sure what ideal I'm reaching for, but routines are just routines not laws and when things get busy, they don't work at all because:
1) other adults don't follow my routines
2) children
3) I might have a few too many "routines"
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