I was then stuck in traffic and over a half-hour late for school yesterday. It didn't really matter as all my obligations were finished. Yesterday was a half-day - the students would get their report cards, teachers get fired, everyone goes home and seminars start on Monday.
For me, it was my last day - I would not be returning on Monday. For me it was time to say another goodbye to colleagues for the past six years.
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| school logo in the background...see ya! |
Many teachers have used their exit as an opportunity to complain - to say all the things that didn't get a chance (or were fearful) to say. - indeed, I was appealed to "please say something for us!" Part of me had a lot to say, part of me wasn't sure I had a right to say anything. I was a bit on the fringe of all the trouble - because of my foreign-ness, because of my program being always separate and independent, because of my maternity leave, because I often wondered if I just wasn't understanding the situation. Indeed - I always want to find a solution to conflict, to make a place better - but I couldn't discern the truth from all the things I felt or heard this year. People seemed unhappy, administrators seemed aggressive, people were stressed, nervous, fearful, overworked, used, dishonest ... I could only deal with those directly related to my work, and I always asked questions to try and understand the root of the problem - but my questions got evasive answers. The consultant I worked with - his answers were even more confusing (and he was eventually fired too - our consultant to the new curriculum). How I wish I could effect change to the place - but how to explain to an organization that there is a culture of fear in a school when their literature touts the exact opposite. The message spoken is that we are a team and family, that we practice skills of a good teacher, that performance evaluations are for improvement. And at times it feels that way - but then the curriculum is forced on the teachers, concerns are ignored, and exam scores have to be justified by the teachers to the parents and administrators.
It seems all education systems are this way - but in Turkey the logic seems even more glaringly errant and teacher's have less of a voice. It has been a tough year particular with massive curriculum changes that were against everyone's professional opinion. Today was the day people were ready to be fired because "you never know" - without warning or reason it seems - other than personal - people are fired. I never believed this until last year when I witnessed someone whom I'd worked with and loved be fired after 18 years of service. She was a committed teacher and hard worker - and after that, well its hard to be loyal to a company that holds that type of omnipresent threat over people. Another from our department was fired today - and everyone sat with long faces depressed and all probably wishing the same thing - I'd quit too if I could.
So while I regret not knowing what to say, not knowing how to offer a solution to this broken problem - I do know how to encourage. And so, I wrote letters of encouragement and thanks. To my department, to my principal, to the director of the school, and to Aysegul - the first person to take me in, listen and support me, and encourage me. (Aysegul called me later bawling her eyes out saying "I love you to canim, I will always be here for you too!)
I made rounds through the elementary school of about 1000 students and 50 or so teachers, through the administrative buildings. Some were shocked, most asked me "Are you going by your own will?" I said goodbye to one of my favorite employee - Adnan Bey (Mr. Adnan) - he is the driver for the administration and who brought me on several occasions to the emniyet to have my visa sorted out. He was always kinds, respectful and gracious - I told him my American colleague and I agreed he was the best person in the school. His face was shocked and truly looked disappointed when I said I was leaving (I was surprised he hadn't heard, because word gets around here), and his colleagues in the room showed the same disappointment.
I said goodbye to my friends in the department, hugging each one - it was awful and wonderful at once. Wonderful to have known and worked with such good people - to be able to hope for the future together. Awful because the English department head already seemed to be iced out from the others, taking the blame for the latest firing of a colleague.
And once again, I ached for that sword of truth.
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