on justice

When I was in 7th grade I was pretty self-confident.  Junior High destroyed my self-confidence - but I started off pretty grounded.  I was excited to make new friends.  I kept a "What Would Jesus Do?" self made poster in my locker before it became a thing.  I was first chair in orchestra and didn't even know that was a big deal.  I played all sports year round.  I was ready for the big time.

Even today, I think a big part of middle school is the sense of justice.  Things had to be fair, teachers had to be mature and gracious, peers had to kind, and so on.  I was playing sports after school and I'm not sure which one, but my shorts got stolen out of my locker.  They were Umbros and cool at the time.  Our steel gym lockers were webbed and if you were determined you could stick a finger or a hanger in there and pull the thin shorts out through the webbed steel.

Mine and a few others were stolen one day and for some reason I decided I was going to be all Nancy Drew and figure this case out.  And I did.  I don't really remember how - I just remember asking around and finally getting to the few girls who had stolen the shorts.  I confronted them and they lied, but after some prodding - they confessed.  I'm not sure why - maybe I convinced them I knew, maybe I threatened to tell the principal - anyhow they confessed and promised to return the shorts.  I had an official meeting with the vice principal about the whole business and in the end, I think I was trying to get them out of trouble because they had confessed and said they were sorry.

I remember this story because it wasn't satisfying.  I had found the thieves, got them to confess, maybe they returned the shorts, I had shown the principal what a problem solver I was ... and I felt... I felt...I felt like, so what?  Justice was done - and it wasn't as satisfying as I imagined.  People getting what's coming to them, embarrassing someone for their wrong, simply forcing someone to admit it - well it wasn't my business.  It was my shorts - but I'm not sure it was worth all the drama.

I've been thinking of this story when I think of how the colleague of mine got fired (and of all the other teachers that have been wrongfully fired).  How I want to go in and weed out the confusion and dishonesty and bullying and do something to stand up for what is right.  Something to push this shadow back.

But why? To make it a better place?  Sure.  To help my friends?  Sure.  But I know why I had that empty feeling inside before - justice cannot be the point or driving force.  It's the relationship.  It's not to prove I'm right, you're wrong.  It's not even to "make this a better place" because I'm not sure I care that much.  It's because the people that are causing the pain are in pain too, and that's the real heartbreak.