I am so moved by a video clip I saw tonight. It was an interview on CBS with a college football star named Malcolm Mitchell.
The player, out on injury, joined a middle-aged woman's book club. The interviewer is a huge dork, and the young man is so honest and beautiful:
MM: "Somebody called me a nerd, and it's not a label I am not used to hearing.
Interviewer: (heh heh) Is it okay though? Are you okay with the label? (heh heh stupid look on his face)
MM: (with a serious, yet almost child-like look) "I was proud or it. It was like a badge of honor to me."Interviewer: (duhh...)
Later in the interview...
I:"What's your greatest achievement?"
MM: "Reading the Hunger Games series in two days."
I: "The Hunger Games? Have you seen any of your touchdown footage? (heh he)"
M: "Yeah, but that came natural. It's a gift. I had to work to read."
I don't know what it's like to be a star - but I see those university football games - the athletes, huge crowds, and lots and lots of money being poured into the game through the television networks, the university paraphernalia, the scholarships, and the following of alumni and fans - and I'm enchanted with it. It is surreal and I wouldn't mind being in the midst of it. Whether I'm a star athlete or even a student at a Big 10 school. A part of me always wanted that. But I never went that route, because deep down, I know that isn't me too. Quite the reverse, I was disenchanted with my "idyllic" high school setting, pep rallies, and media-hype.
And this athlete is in the midst of all that and seems to know it - that the glamour and fame isn't as important as overcoming obstacles. There are very few of us...actually, I'm only referring to myself here...who can avoid being sucked into the ratings and approval of the world, who can avoid an image of themselves based on what those around them see, who can separate this view of who they are from who I am.
For me, if performance is put into the equation. I am ready to step up and be a star. But then I always fall apart. If it's a penalty to win the game - I miss. If it's a home stretch sprint for tenth place, I let up. If it's a piano recital - I forget my notes because I'm thinking what-if-I-forget-the-next-phrase-what-are-my-fingers-playing-right-now-ahhhhhh! And if it's teaching to impress, I forget why I'm teaching in the first place.
Performance is not for me. Not even on a camera. I have this tic that develops in response to the camera or spotlight ... I can't stop making weird faces. I can't stop making weird twitches with my mouth and eyebrows. My wedding was the biggest stardom I knew and I watch the video and can't stop asking myself "What is wrong with my face?!"
But all this aside - there is a part of me that knows, performance isn't for anyone. There is this basic need for us to be loved and accepted as we are. I've known this my whole life, felt it, and tried to give it as a teacher.
In my ongoing conversation with Tolga about his family - he always goes back to "You can't change people without love." He has this incredible ability to accept people as they are, where I am a bit more eager to change people "for the better." But my method doesn't work so well, especially on myself.
When I worked at an achievement based school, I thought it was such a great idea. To purposefully find the gaps and plug them up. I mean, I love fixing people. My father made the comment once, "It sounds like a fatherless group." (or something to that effect). My father isn't so great at explaining himself sometimes, but his offhanded comment was dead-on. None of my colleagues had a father. And what is it that a father provides? Love, acceptance, and rest to be a child. No matter whether you fail or succeed .. just being who you are. This acceptance takes away striving and replaces it with freedom. Freedom to fail, to take risks - natural elements of learning in life.
Somewhere along the way - MM stepped back and saw how he was being treated for his gift, how he was being accepted and rewarded for something that was a part of him and he shrugged because it was as simple to him as being proud of one's hair or one's shoes. And he decided to tackle something that had always evaded him: reading - and when he did this it wasn't under any spotlight - it was done from a place of love, acceptance and freedom to try.
I look back at my athletic experiences, and my greatest moments were under no pressure at all. I made a spectacular diving catch not to win the game, but because I had that ball. My friends cheering me on - not because I was great, but because they were my friends. I traveled for a year, because it was a part of who I was.
So what's my greatest accomplishment? What am I most proud of? I think I even shy away from these feelings because things-I've-accomplished could have so easily fallen into the things-I've-failed at category. Or maybe because when I do something great - it only feels natural: this is a part of who I am and success or failure doesn't change that.
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