I took an abbreviated version of the Myers-Briggs 16 personality test online the other day. I remember taking a more extensive version of the this test almost 20 years ago and I'm curious as to whether my results are the same.
I think, when I originally took this exam. I was an INFP. When I took, the short version the other night, I was an INFJ - the most rare of personality types with the label "The protector."
When I've taken career and interest evaluations in the past, usually the same things come up: counselor or something related to justice or police work. It surely is a pattern that comes up in my outlook on the world - I am often bouncing between helping people or fighting for justice (at least, internally)
I'm not sure if your personality changes with experiences or you just "grow up" or maybe the test was too abbreviated.
Reading about my personality type is somewhat refreshing, like saying - hey, it's okay you're this way, and this is why you do that. Most of all, it reminds me to embrace who I am. Creative, independent, intuitive, not good at dealing with minutia (ignoring or over-obsessing about it) - although I think intuitive is closely related to spiritual because what one might call "intuitive" I would call listening to the Holy Spirit - voice or feeling others may perceive as intuitive.
There are lots of parts of the test and the end analysis I could focus on and apply, and maybe I will another day - but I am often going back into my mind to my old job and why it wasn't a "good fit". That explanation never cut it for me - there has to be something more specific, more definitive, and more concrete. It wasn't a "good fit" sounds like a euphemism for this person had problems.
Which, by the end of my job, was too true.
But not in the beginning. In the beginning I was soooooooo enthusiastic. I had been teaching in an awful school, and I had been successful. It wasn't easy, but I hadn't lost myself. I had held onto my core beliefs and stretched myself at the same time. This new school was a graduation to a group that had my ideals. It felt like I was in discipleship school, or church - it was a group of people that were hopeful, positive, enthusiastic, self-sacrificing, humble, and really really smart and willing to do whatever it takes. They were my kind of people. I dove into that first week of training - but was disappointed because I was so sick that for the first time ever I had to go to the hospital twice for steroids, pain meds, and fluids. The second week of August we were putting together our rooms and planning. We had team meetings that I whole-heartedly participated in because I thrive in small teams. Several times we had very emotional and bonding moments together, once we had a feedback session with each other and it was the area I excelled in because of my background and personality and so I was giving feedback on the feedback. This was my thing.
And as we got closer to opening I began to become more and more overwhelmed with the amount of things I wanted to do. I mean, I wanted to be great. Isn't that why they hired me? I had a bigger workload in many ways, and I had lots of new ideas and tools at my fingertips. And maybe this was my biggest mistake - I embraced their "textual analysis" methods and their grammar books and any idea others threw my way because I thought so highly of my peers. I loved their rules, and cheers, and motivational chants. But I couldn't fuse the two: my experience and ideas with the new. I don't know if I was just so inflexible, or if I was too flexible, or if I was trying to do everything, or if I was starting over, or throwing my stuff out ... I feel like an idiot when I look back on those days. It's like my brain could not put into action anything new, and I forgot everything I had learned. I remember my principal, who was my former colleague and peer checking in with me - often - and asking how she could help - many times. So I wasn't alone, and it wasn't like I didn't have options. She suggested I make a list of what I needed to do and she'd help me prioritize. This was by October I think. My list ranged from lesson planning to laundry. She never did help me prioritize that list, but I don't blame her. It was an embarrassing revelation of how paralyzed I'd become at work.
Over the months, things got worse. I could see myself get worse, and my mindset grew so unhealthy - and I could see it so clearly what I was doing to myself and eventually my colleagues and students but I couldn't STOP it. I couldn't quit - I mean, Petersons don't quit. They were relying on me, and I had a job to do and I was too stubborn and proud to admit failure.
I wish I would have written more in order to document my decline - but one thing was for sure: I wasn't changing for the better.
And here is the INFJ paragraph that stood out to me:
Yet, as an INFJ, you are likely to be easily tripped up in areas where idealism and determination are more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is navigating interpersonal conflicts, confronting unpleasant facts, pursuing self-realization, or finding a career path that aligns well with your intricate inner core, you may face numerous challenges that at times can even make you question who you really are ... INFJs act on their convictions, so when they do something, it’s something that has meaning to them – if those actions come under criticism, even justified complaints, but especially unwarranted ones, their morale is likely to tank spectacularly ... they will simply wilt under the scrutiny, criticism.
I am not referring to critical feedback here - because I love critical feedback. I think it is necessary and really pushes growth. This was something different I experienced. A performance pressure, scrutiny, and most detrimentally - I was really hard on myself. And to emphasize that point - I still think my failure was my own fault.
Granted, in that first year four of the eight of us quit. So the pressure was felt by all of us. In spite of our organization's effort to preach a work-life balance - we all overdid it.
I had to stop teaching for a while after that experience. And when I started again - I was a terrible teacher in my heart. I wanted no responsibility, I scoffed at standards and educational jargon, theories and collaboration. Who did we think we were? What did we think we were accomplishing? Kids don't need to pass an exam, they need to know they are loved and cared for - and be loved and cared for and telling ourselves that closing the achievement gap with no excuses is love . . . well that's a real backwards approach to unconditional love. Numbers, points, and exams are not who we are - and I'm sure everyone on my team would have agreed with me but I got sucked into the striving to achieve and show gains.
I don't know what the answer is, or what the right way is . . . I still want to go back and try it again. To bring who I am to the table, and keep who I am. And, maybe it's just my pride - I still want to succeed where I failed because how could such good intentions have gone so terribly wrong.
I am teaching again - and I have shed a lot of the baggage I picked up in that year. I finally feel free again. Maybe my job is just a good fit, or maybe I've matured, or maybe I'm just not being pushed to the brink like I was that year. Because of the nature of my position, I work alone for the most part. My grades don't count because of the system. I am under very little scrutiny and my qualifications make me a rare asset with seemingly endless job opportunities. This has freed me to try whatever my heart desires - to make my own objectives within a loose structure given to me and see them through with only myself to evaluate whether I've accomplished these.
And lastly, Turkish schools have taught me something about love. I supposed you could criticize it as superficial, but these are not the examples I use for myself. Teachers are expected to hug, pat, reassure and comfort their students. I am reserved by nature, and objective oriented in my teaching, but this expressive aspect of culture is always reminding me to not forget why I teach in the first place.
I want us all to be free.
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