when I can't fight

It was hard for me to go to work today. It was the first time I felt this, and I'm amazed at how strongly I felt it. I didn't want to fight, I jut wanted to quit. I guess I'm not so much of a resilient person anymore. In a day's time my student and class load had tripled while the hundreds of hours of planning I had prepared became irrelevant. And I wasn't willing to take this on.

But, I went anyhow. My plan was to drop a resume off at a different school on the way, but in the end I didn't because I noticed a mistake on the resume. I got a ride to school anyhow from my American colleague who has an idea about everything - without fail. She had already come up with a plan to present and did so the moment we walked in the door.

My supervisors are two people I really like. They are both about 5'2" and very different, but yet very much like sisters as they are so compatible. They are both extremely sensitive to everyone's needs and to their own detriment. Especially my supervisor - she showers me with praise, loses sleep and gains weight over my problems. They both have the job of fixing everything, but with very little power to do so - and so they stress instead. The other woman is like a favorite aunt - she always knows whose birthday it is and will bring in a sweet or present for the person. A card of encouragement for another. Or just something simple because it made her think of a person. The pair only seem to work to make their colleagues life easier. Their hearts are so big it's a bit comical having them as supervisors because the feel more like paid best friends.

And so, I love and hate bringing my issues to them. I am honest with what is going on - I told them both I understood that they had to give me these classes and there were no other options, but at the same time, I didn't have to accept the decision. They both took on my problems personally.

Before we went into our meeting with the director - these two had a meeting. I was a little shocked because neither had mentioned the meeting to me. They told me later they had told the administration "everything." The two are often afraid to be so direct, and most Turks fear their jobs will be terminated at any moment - but this time, they didn't mince words. They told the administration things I hadn't planned on sharing, but they did it for me.

We immediately followed their meeting without knowing all had been prepped on the issues. It was myself, my three American colleagues, the director, the principal, and the new English Coordinator. The new English Coordinator was a big advantage because he was American, nervous, and seemingly eager to find solutions.

I didn't have a lot of hope for the meeting, but my colleague did the majority of the speaking - and she did it quite positively and intelligently. I didn't have much to say, and when I tried - the director quite oddly kept interrupting me. And me, being Scandinavian, let him. Eventually I said a few words - words maybe I'll recall tomorrow, but I am exhausted now.

I am not convinced a solution was found, but I do believe now they are trying to find teachers to fill the shortage and relieve the burden that had been shifted to me - and so, for this solution, I am waiting.

The director concluded that whatever happens, they would support me. I wish had asked him how he planned on supporting me. Taking my extra classes/students? Tripling my salary for the triple work load? I accept. Cheerleading while I attempt to carry a 500 lb boulder across the field?

I already have some great cheerleaders that happen to be fighters too.