just a pawn

I wrote too soon.

Or maybe being content was the mistake.

I forgot to hold onto things loosely. Actually, I was holding on loosely in the form of skepticism and mistrust, and it turns out my doubts were right.

The reason I started working at the school I am at was because Tolga's co-worker's wife worked there. She was my only connection in Ankara and I thought it would be nice to have a friend. I stayed at the school out of loyalty to her and the people I work with.

But today was the last straw. Actually, I was waiting for it. I knew it was coming. I saw it back in May, but I decided to be patient, not jump to conclusions and wait and see. When we returned to school and the school still hadn't replaced the two teachers lost, I said - It's not my concern, it's not my job.

Today it became my concern because instead of finding a new teacher, the classes have been reorganized. Now instead of twelve 4th and 5th grade classes, two hours a week (about 200 students) - I will be teaching 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades class, one hour a week (about 500 students). The beautiful lesson plans and worksheets I created to supplement the readers, the papers I have been working on for the past five weeks for hours and hours a day - they cannot be used because they were made for two periods a week, not one - and so half of my years plans - plans that they adamantly required I turn in before the year started - are half, useless.

The school is doing this because, when it comes down to it - they hired the Americans to be able to say the students will get "exposed" to a Native teacher. The program actually was never created for professional teachers as evidenced by the lack of record keeping, time, and administrative gaps relating to the Native teachers.

The thing is, I came to teach. I am a teacher.

Their problem is going to compound when I quit. I have never not shown up to work. Even when I'm ill, I push myself too hard to go - but I'm having a hard time now finding a good reason to go to work tomorrow. Or the next. I am one who thrives on preparedness, its what makes me a great teacher. But now, just like life, no matter what I do to prepare - it seems all for naught.