what these times bring

Hard times come to everybody, and hopefully, out of hard times we learn to forgive quicker, be more generous, appreciate others more, focus more on what matters.

Tolga and I were talking about this today - we both felt emotionally exhausted from the slew of financial issues and we talked about what our life would be like if last year we had both kept our high paying jobs: our life would be mostly work.

For some reason, in the midst of this, there is a surprising feeling of gratefulness growing between us - grateful to have each other to turn to, grateful that we are experiencing these things together. Grateful that in our desperation, we have also found a deeper relationship, even greater love.

I've always admired city kids more than suburban because of their grittiness. City kids are forced to face harsh realities, and there isn't many places to hide - so I will forever be rooting for them to overcome. A kid who is better off financially can hide behind a game boy and rote answers.

If we had money, it would have been easier to live these first years superficially, without challenge. And after the challenges I had faced in New York, I no longer wanted challenges - I was burnt out on challenges. At the thought of living hard times with Tolga, I panic and cry and scramble for solutions or ways to control the situation. I want things to be easier, but for the first time today - both Tolga and I agreed that these times that threaten tear us apart, have only humbled us.

I am still afraid. We watched a movie tonight that referenced the valley of Elah, the place between Saul's army and the Philistines, where Goliath had charged down for 40 days straight challenging anyone brave enough to face him. The man telling the story said, "Before David killed the giant, he stepped out - closing the gap between him the monster who could crush him in a couple more steps. He planted his feet and looked the monster in the eye in order to take aim . . . he had to face his fears before he faced the monster."

Tolga said,

"That's what we have to do."