is love enough?

I argued with my brother-in-law tonight.

Gokhan is a little over a year younger than me and gentle-hearted - so it was surprising (and a little impressive) that he fought with me.  Even more impressive was Baba intervening to stop our shouting match - it was the first time I saw Baba do something fatherly, and I really appreciated it.

Gokhan, who has been jobless for the past 7 months, and has not had steady work (or steady work but no pay...which is a thing here) for the past ??? years - he finally got a job.  A job that is offering a great salary and a villa to stay in - in a party/vacation town.  The huge downside is we will be working 12 hour days, 14 days in a row, and then one day off.  Which, apparently, is illegal.  Gokhan is a mechanical engineer and has many licenses that make him very qualified and capable, but the job market is so desperate - it seems employers have taken full advantage of this by offering low low salaries, long work days/weeks, and unreliable pay.  This new job is at least offering a well-deserved salary and villa to him.

Gokhan was offered the job on a trial basis, and as it is with all work in Turkey, before he begins he must get a health report as well as some other official reports.  We were going to go to the National Park with our cousins on Tuesday, but delayed the trip so Gokhan could get his paperwork in order for his new job.  We were going to take Gokhan with us, while someone stayed home with Baba.

The family has been going on and on about how Baba can have no sugar and no salt and how he's not eating anything these days and how he is malnourished and how he can't be left alone.  It's all very dramatic and full of partial truths.

But, we've all agreed, multiple times, that he can't be left alone.

And so, Friday we went to the National Park, and Gokhan agreed to stay home with his father.  He had one more piece of paperwork to be signed and he planned on having the neighbor watch Baba while he did this.

When we got home today, Gokhan wasn't around - he had gone to the beach.

There is a part of me that isn't surprised or bothered.  I know Gokhan can't be trusted with certain things.  I know that he is selfish about somethings.  I know that he is lazy in general.  Just like I know that there is no meanness in him, that he would do anything I ask, and he does help out the family.  At first, I only asked lightly why he left Baba.  He said he told my cousin on the phone.

Okay, a misunderstanding maybe.
"Did you get your papers signed?"
"Yeah, but I went there and they had to email the head of the department, and I had to go there to get it signed."
"Go where?"
"To the hospital."
"You went to the hospital?"
"Only for  a half an hour."
(The hospital itself is a half-an-hour away).
"Was the neighbor still here?"
"No, Baba was sleeping when I left."
"YOU LEFT BABA TWO TIMES TODAY WHEN THAT WAS YOUR ONE JOB?!?"

Gokhan stormed off yelling something and I stormed after him and we yelled at each other.
"Why are you mad?  This was your job today, we all trusted you, and you didn't do it!"
"I don't understand you!"  (I yelled the first sentence in English because I was so mad).
"You promised you'd stay with him and you left him twice!"
"Yeah, so?"
"This is your father!"
"This is my father!"
"Yes, this is your father!"
"This is my father!"

Okay, so we are not so good at fighting.

Here's the thing with all of this that I'm going to try to put to words.

I know how Gokhan is - I know that he has had very little responsibility in his life, and in many ways because of lack of experience - he just doesn't think farther then himself sometimes.  This is why he usually has to be asked to do things, and even then - the consequences of him not doing what you asked are usually so mild - he has not experienced his irresponsibility either.  He forgot to pick something up at the market - no problem, Tolga will get it.  He forgot to feed the birds, no problem, his mom will do it.  He didn't wake up to his alarm for work - his mom will wake him up.  He didn't get his salary, his brother will buy his food/give him bus money/etc.

Tolga accepts people as they are - that's one of his amazing qualities, and I've seen how empowering it is in myself and in his family.  To my independent side/family/culture - many would call it enabling.  But I've never understood how the healthy or right thing to do has been to cut someone out of your life.  Especially family.  Especially hurting family.  Addicts have always broken my heart,  there is something about them that I know we all suffer from ... that black hole in our souls that thinks it can't be loved.

There have been two warring parts in me for some time now - a part that is learning to accept people as they are, including myself - and a part that refuses to accept some things, a part the demands change.

Now, I know logically, any demands on my heart are not going to end well.  But it's still there.  Gokhan is supposed to be my brother.  I am supposed to be able to trust him.  When he says something, I want to believe him.  When he promises something, I expect him to do what he promised.  I have to trust my brother with important things.

So when Gokhan failed today - a part of me wants to be really really mad at him.  I want to not forgive him, not call him my brother, not ever expect a thing from him again.  It wasn't today's failure, it was what I already suspected - that I couldn't count on him, that he was selfish and far from the man we all want him to be.

and yet, Gokhan's failure is my failure.

This is me too.  I have failed people I loved, many times.  I still remember being called selfish when I was 20 years old, and to this day it haunts me, because I never thought of myself as selfish and from then on, I see it in me all the time.  And honestly, I'm pretty far from the person I want to be too.

And condemning myself, or Gokhan, is never gonna get us there.  But I'm not sure I can let love get me there either.