perceptions and misperceptions

Today, a teacher - my former department head - told me, "Rachel, that boy said you're angry with him."  I didn't answer, I wasn't sure what to say - but my heart sank.  "He said you were angry because you couldn't speak Turkish."  The teacher spoke to the boy, explained some things to him, and he came to my next class happy, confident and proud.  He showed me his notebook and did the first task with zeal.  I called on him to try and encourage him.

I have many students - about 250.  I usually break the hearts of a few each day.  I don't mean to, but in the course of a day - seeing the different classes - and that particular day I had 7 classes - I am not always attentive to the needs of every single student.  Of course I want to be, but its just not possible. There are too many needs, misunderstandings, distractions, or behavioral mishaps to catch them all.  Missing a particular problem happens, everyday.  I hate it, I try to avoid it, but it happens.

My student's individual tracking methods are done by the product assessments at the end of each unit.  It's a logical choice I make - time invested versus result.  Because my time with each class is only 40 minutes, 2 times a week - I focus on a handful of students each lesson with encouragements or corrections.  I don't record these checks nor do I do it in a pragmatic fashion - it is random and as situations arise.  Ideally, I would individually track all of my students, my interactions and follow up.  Logistically, I can't manage it . . . yet.  I have tried several methods - the best I've come up with is checking in with four to five students a lesson.  However, four or five students a lesson, means 16-25 a day, not including the additional issues that arise during the class period.  Even if I were to keep to this schedule - it only culminates in checking in with each student once a month - but the overall effect is feeling spread too thin mentally which results in me becoming more inconsistent with my interactions rather than thorough.

I am getting better at catching problems or pointing out successes.  I give more hugs and high fives then when I was in America - this was a cultural adjustment for me as my arms and hands were pinned to my sides by fear in our culture to not touch anybody.  Even working on the ambulance as an EMT I had to get permission from the patient before I helped him or her.  It's also not part of my Scandinavian nature to say "good job" when a job was expected to be done, and done well.  At the same time, it is part of my nature to be a cheer leader - I was this way in sports - free, laughing, and giving encouragement to my teammates - and some of this talent has translated to the classroom in my cheers that I give my students: "Kiss your very smart brain" (kissing my fingers and bringing it to my forehead), "WOW" (holding up a "w" with my left and right three fingers while my mouth shapes the "o"), and "Firecracker" (a clap into a fountain or fingers saying "oooo" and "aaaahhh").  I give awards, stickers, we throw a ball around the classroom, I show video or song clips.  It's the fun part of teaching - but I also preach hard work.  When a class is presenting a problem - excited after lunch or at the end of the day, bickering, speaking too much Turkish - I try to put the breaks on the class, reset them, and start again a bit slower.  But sometimes, when it's an individual - an individual that is repeatedly not doing the task at hand, and I am repeatedly trying to give extra help - my interactions with some will sometimes get shorter, more direct, and with less diplomacy.  Usually, it works - they understand I am serious and he/she must step up, but sometimes it doesn't - sometimes my brevity just alienates the student.  Especially because English is their second language.

At this age, I don't understand, teeters between the truth and an excuse.  The boy that was upset did not have a notebook.  He tried to tell me this multiple times in Turkish.  I stopped him each time, saying I am not Turkish, I am American, you must speak English.  It was the simplest way I could think of to make my point.  I understood his Turkish, but he did not understand my point - to speak English.  So I kept repeating the "English please" phrase.  He obviously never got my point and concluded I was angry because I couldn't speak Turkish.

All misunderstandings aside - I need to examine this anger issue because even though this incident wasn't exactly anger, it isn't the first time something like this has come up.  It is showing a perception of me that some students are seeing ... and I don't like it.

I have thought long and hard about this perception of me, and it's going to take me deep - to a place I am not so excited to go to . . . but I will, because I need to uncover whatever this is.