learning English

I have never tutored.

I'm a teacher, but I've never given private lessons.  I have friends in America and here who have made successful businesses out of tutoring, but it has never appealed to me.  Part of the reason is that I was a nanny for ten years, and while I loved the one-on-one and family support - I became a teacher so I could effect more lives.  And tutoring is like nannying - a lot of effort and time put into one, whereas I enjoy teaching because my effort and time is spread to many.

That, and I don't feel as confident in tutoring.  I'm not sure I could create an independent learning plan for someone that justifies both of our time and money.  As a tutor, they are relying on you to improve specific skill sets based on someone else's criteria.  In America, tutors are often called upon for testing and college admissions.

Ah, no thank you.  I skipped my SATs and ACTs, and frankly, I'm not a good test taker.  I'm not sure I'm very good at college admissions because it turns into an internal inspection of my goals, values and dreams which result in a moral crisis of who am I and what do I want to be and aren't I good enough for your school?

Even writing cover letters for jobs, in retrospect, I was giving too much information.  I have not been on the other side of resume reading - but thinking about it now, I'm not sure anyone cared that I was newly married, lived in Turkey, travelled the world -- or even that I taught in Brooklyn as a Fellow.

Maybe all they wanted to know was: how much would they have to pay me (based on my experience and degrees), and how much could I contribute (I think my age and newly married put in the "at-risk-for-having-babies-and-taking-maternity-leave" category).

So, when Tolga's colleague pushed us to tutor her friend, we finally agreed.  The other end of this is - I think I would charge more than anyone charges - because that's how I view my time outside of my job.  But this friend-of-a-friend was motivated to learn for her job, had a price she was willing to pay, and was flexible to my situation.

She agreed to come to my house, while my kids were napping, and accepted that we may be interrupted by them anyhow - waking up from naps, needing me, etc.

Funds came with her husband, Gokhan, and our mutual friend Simge.  I was putting Tomris back to sleep when they came, so they came in quietly and waited for me in the dining room.  I should have been having a family nap with the kids too, but I was excited to try this out as well.

I had taken out many English books at different levels for them to possibly use.  She had brought the many course books she had used as well.  She brought cake too.  It's very Turkish to bring food to someone's house, and I had just run to the store as well so that I could offer snacks too.  Simge served put the cake and drinks while I sat and spoke with Funda and her husband.  In the beginning, Funda kept looking to Simge for help, and Gokhan, feeling her struggling for words, would also jump in - offering a word to help her with her sentences.  They were like to crutches for Funda - as she was shy and nervous to speak English and kept looking to them for help.

I knew exactly how she felt - because I do it to Tolga all the time.  Especially when I first moved here.  So I talked to them all about nervousness and crutches.

Stress always interferes with communication.  It's not something too feel bad about, but something to recognize as a somewhat uncontrollable factor.  Sometimes, you can't understand because your nervous, and it's okay and normal.  It happens to me all the time - especially at doctor's office.  I don't understand them, or they don't understand me.  It still happens to Tolga and I - when we are stressed and arguing because of stress, our communication falls apart.  If the initial stressor was Teoman is sick, we may end up fighting about the word "the", or Tolga will forget how to say a key word in English, like "stuffy nose" and will get flustered.  We both know this, and try to back off and calm down when it happens because it's normal, but doesn't have to be the norm.

Even more frustrating, sometimes the native speaker you are communicating with is nervous too - and instead of trying to help you, and figure out what you are saying - they can't, don't try, or try to say it for you and it's completely wrong.

So, my point is - don't give up because you can't say it - there are many ways to communicate.  Just not Turkish in these lessons.

My second speech was about crutches.  I told the story of my twin brother.  It's my favorite story to tell when speaking about communication.  I was always very verbal, and he was not.  So, naturally, I spoke for him.  Sometimes, he just didn't feel like speaking, sometimes, he couldn't express what he was thinking - so I always jumped in to "help."  It was a huge eye opener to me when I was thirteen and one of our youth leaders told me that it wasn't healthy.  Up to that point, I thought I was helping, but I understood immediately that I was creating a handicap instead.  He hadn't learned how to speak for himself, because he didn't have to - and that was partly my fault.  I didn't feel bad for what I had done, but I stopped from the point forward.

And this is what was happening with Funda.  She was afraid to speak and make mistakes or be misunderstood - so she was falling back onto Turkish and her friends - to speak for her, and it wasn't helping her English.  I still do the same thing with Tolga - when I'm stressed, I don't want to speak Turkish, I just turn to Tolga and have him say it - because he can say it exactly as I mean.  But, it wasn't helping my Turkish - and so I banned Gokhan and Simge from speaking, and asked Funda to tell me about herself.

"I'm 30 years old."  She was stuck where to go from there, so I offered questions to bring her along.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"I was one brother.  He died.  Three or four before."
"oh, I'm sorry to hear that."  I knew the Turkish word for condolences, but even in this moment, my mind was thinking to teach condolences to her.  However, I think she understood it as sorry for asking - which is a Turkish response.
"How about your parents?"  She looked at me blankly.  "Your mother and father, are they in Ankara?"
"They died."
"Died? I'm so sorry to hear that.  When did they die?"
And she proceeded to try to figure out her age in English numbers.

It was a rough beginning.