be like me

When family comes - all those things you thought you weren't anymore, come out from hiding.  Even if one were trying to change, we are still judging one another on the person that we knew, never the person we want to become.  Provoked by annoying sisters, brothers, and parents - cycles of behavior and conversation that I still hope will change one day - but family, most families I think, don't allow for change.

My middle brother told me the other day that he started running two miles everyday for the past four weeks.  My brother is not an athlete.  In fact, I've seen him run, and its not pretty.  He also is a smoker, chews tobacco, and drinks regularly.  When he told me had started running, I was so impressed, but my reflex response was to tease him for his efforts.

And so, while I believe I am changing always (hopefully growing), everything my mother and sister did that made me cringe, I saw myself doing to some extent.  We are nothing like each other, and yet, we are the same.
They both love to travel and see everything.  I do too.  In fact, in this case, I'm sure that I am worse.  So, I can understand their enthusiasm.
They both can't stand bugs.  They both say "ISH!" and get strongly disgusted by things that they are actually afraid of. My mom was worried about sleeping on our third floor because of bugs, spiders, etc.  I assured her it was okay, but in truth, I didn't want to sleep there either.
They were grossed out when I didn't take a shower for two days.  (My sister actually called me a "grease ball").  I used to be obsessed with this too.
They both are afraid of sea creatures and asked if there were sharks or jellyfish in the water.  I had asked Tolga the exact same thing when I came here.
I also forgot gas was in liters.
I also compare Turkey to the places I've visited.
I also second guess people's motives.

 As worldwide travelers, they both seem to have altered their world view very little and their actions and conversations crammed me, my husband, his family, and all of Turkey into what they wanted it to be.  My sister, by imposing herself on everything around her, my mother through her imagination and commercial phrases.

I've always thought of myself as easy-going, flexible and open.  But, from living in Turkey, or maybe from getting older, or maybe from being around my family . . . I am seeing how I want everyone to live as I see fit.  I am, to my dismay, very much like them.

I too have begun cramming those around me into what I am comfortable with.  I want everybody to brush their teeth, shower and change their clothes daily.  I want them to make the bed and use a top sheet AND a bottom sheet.  I want to clean up our haphazard garden in Kusadasi.  I want my brother-in-law to stop with his unfinished project ideas.  I want to control EVERYBODY'S spending so that we can stop shelling out money.

It starts small - wanting to "influence" those around me so that they use deodorant for example, and then - left unchecked - grows into this monster where my kingdom is everybody is doing what I say.  There is no more choice or freedom or personal preferences.  Where everybody is like me, or how I've wished them to be . . .

And that, is the most frightening to picture - because who knows better than your ownself what an actual mess you are?

So, for my own good, I am hoping the only one who changes around here is me.