Strength Training?

I've let this go for 8 days. Yikes. So much for resolutions, but I still have good intentions. Like, I still intend on starting to exercise everyday.

Tomorrow.

When I was working, one of my biggest problems became prioritizing. I had too many things to do - things that I wanted and things that were required and things that I required of myself - and the result was resentment that I couldn't do the things I wanted. I wasn't able to let go of my obligations.

I was wondering recently, "What if I had quit my job? Midyear. Just acknowledge it for what it was, and quit." I didn't do that because I wanted to succeed and stick-to-it, and I couldn't bring myself to abandon the students and my co-workers. When I was thinking of this, I felt grateful for my jobs that I have now (because I feel very little obligation).

I think, if I had a regular job, I would still fall prey to putting the wrong things first again - putting the job, the students ahead of family, self, etc. Does that make me still a child - unable to take the responsibility of decision, still much better off when things are being decided for me (by fate, powers that be, etc.)? Honestly, I think I quite easily shirk the responsibility of choice and struggle mightily when I cannot. For example, I can't decided what to do about a leaky pipe complaint from a neighbor. Do I do nothing? Do I write her and say I can't afford to find out what the problem is? Do I file with insurance and have them come look at a non-problem? Do I close my eyes and hope it goes away (and why am I leaning so much towards this?). Somewhere along the way I think I came to believe that my decisions needed to be "right" always. And maybe I started to believe that "right" also meant "perfect" and "without pain" and "only good things" and as I've experienced otherwise I think I've begun to lean towards not making decisions (and thus not taking responsibility for the consequences of this).

For example, I can't decide what to do about my MN teaching license. I am irate to the point where I am not sure it is worthwhile to continue teaching considering the investment. And so, it's not my fault, it's Minnesota. Similarly, I am dragging my feet on legal action against our property managers. I do not want to go this route, I just want everything to work out all right. I'm tired of struggling.

I told Tolga the other day, "I wish I were stronger." But it turns out, I'm not.