Expressions

Tolga wants a Playstation. Amidst everything we need - he really wants a Playstation. He requires very little in life, but if asked what he wants to spend his money on, that's the answer he'd give you. I was a little disgusted at first - how could we spend money on something so frivilous? And he just shrugs, well - I did ask him what he wants. And there's that bind once again. We have goals, we are working hard to get out of debt - debt that we can't see the end of with two mortgages, so at what point do you stop and indulge yourself? I started thinking back, what's the last expensive thing I got? A hair cut, color and updo for my sister's wedding. When I was on my own, how often did I indulge myself? It's hard to remember now, but looking at my tax returns from the past two years its hard to fathom the kind of income I once made. So with our gift money we decided to buy somethings we need, and some things we want. The thing about Tolga is that he hangs on to things loosely, and so while I can tell you where we spent every cent, it doesn't show the selflessness of Tolga. He also wanted me to get an iPod, or even better, an iPhone. We talked about it, debated the value of it, decided to go "look" and then I spent about thirty minutes trying to figure out if this was a rational choice. Tolga says, "Do you like it? You deserve it. I want you to be happy and have many good things." Tolga's unhindered love frees me more every day, and its not about the phone or the money or the jobs.

I taught music class today - the show choir was practicing for their performance - and the song they were singing was "I just want to be happy!" There were a lot of dance moves, a beautiful voiced soloist, and the comic gamut of high school characters examining themselves in the mirrors as they danced and sang.

There is something about their expressing love and joy, some awkwardly and some boldly, that was so beautiful and I missed. Maybe I need to join a show choir.