dependents

I thought I was an independent and (to-an-extent) fearless person, but I think marriage, Turkey, and our son has changed that.

Being married, I feel quite dependent on Tolga.  At least, more so on one person than I've ever been.  This is Tolga's doing.  We like to spend time together, always have . . . so I've gotten to the point where I have a hard time doing anything without him.  Tolga and I learned early on that whenever we were leaving each other, we tend to break down.  We fight, miscommunicate, and want to fix everything, big and small, last minute - faucets, plans for the future, etc.  For example, Tolga is leaving for four days, and then next week for eight days and I have this overwhelming urge to talk about really stupid things as if they are important before he leaves:
"Wait . .. um, I'm going to get a hair cut next week.  Could you talk to the guy and tell him NOT to cut the back of my hair so short this time.  AND, tell him I don't want to make an exact time because I can't predict Teoman's feeding schedule . . . and . . ."

Living in Turkey has also changed my mentality.  As a traveller - negotiated many foreign situations - but at this stage in my life, I'm just not as adventurous.  Partly because of the first thing (being married I don't want any adventure without Tolga), and partly out of practical reasons - the language barrier in daily routines living in a foreign country: apartment rental, government obligations, banking, bills, shopping, medical, hair cuts, etc.

And, of course, becoming a mother.  Never did I expect the fear that would come.  I didn't feel it while pregnant, and it's not overwhelming now - its just surprising.  I don't want to leave the house without him, I'm nervous to take him outdoors.  Is he too cold?  Is he too hot?  Is the air too dirty?  Am I ruining the planet for my son by using all these disposable diapers?  I instantly feel repentant for my disregard of our planet - sorrow for our human race.  What kind of world have we brought our son into?  He got his first shot last week and gave the saddest cry.  He will get more shots in his next visit - to immunize him from this diseased world.

I always thought my Farm Grandma was a saint for how much she prayed for all her children, and grandchildren ... but I understand now ... it's the only thing we can really do.