I will write

I will write.

I will not go longer without writing.

See . . . I'm writing.

I taught all day kindergarten today. All day kindergarten is just wrong. These kids were tough, and held up throughout the day pretty well, but parents don't even have the option of a half-day here. I said,

"When did this happen?"

"Three years ago."

"Oh."

And then all the subs (because there were a lot of subs that day) started talking about where they sub and how often. I'm a bit on the extreme end. I'm registered in four districts to be sure I have a sub job every day, and I'm looking for a third job. I called the Human Resources of St. John's hospital to further pester them as to how I could bypass the impersonal web and get myself an interview. I was told to keep applying on the web.

That's what we're doing.

***

Last winter, my dad, husband, and I were all playing a game of Monopoly. I was losing, going in debt, mortgaging properties. I began whining about losing and becoming irrational because the game was too close to real life. And then, suddenly, the game changed - I don't remember what happened, but somehow I made all the money back and nearly bankrupted the others. Even in the game I couldn't stifle a very satisfied smile.

The game keeps coming to mind because even while I was playing the game I was seeing myself in the bigger picture of things. How emotional I was in my reaction to the game - with its ups and downs I was not a steady character. It seems I wouldn't be a good banker because my responses were to the immediate, I could see it, and I couldn't stop myself.

I started thinking about real life, and how much I was whining and complaining about EVERYTHING. And how, in a very short time many things could change, for the better or the worse. In some ways, I'm always expecting things to change for the better (thus my continual bitter disappointment when it doesn't). If things did change, would I grateful or find something else to complain about? Would I be happy with a satisfied grin? Is money really the only issue here? Is the feeling of "losing" the issue?

When I come back to the basic question of what do I really want . . . I'm just not that sure.

So . . . I will write.